Not all women would have been as selfish as she

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend and I had a bit of a fight on the trip back from the Caribbean. The airline asked for volunteers because of an overbooking. She had an important meeting the next day. I didn’t have anything pressing. I wanted to volunteer to get a free trip and another day on the beach and meet her back home 24 hours later. She said I was being selfish and that we needed to complete the adventure together. At this point, the “adventure” consisted of little more than sitting on a plane for five hours. I ultimately got on plane, but I still think I was right and she was being a bit high-maintenance. She said every woman in the world would agree with her. You’re a woman. What do you think? – J.C.

I think you’d make a smart trial lawyer, not asking a question without already knowing the answer.

Because: I think her guilting you out of your trip extension made her the selfish one. (Self-defeating, too, since the freebie could have expedited her next getaway with you.) I also think if she knew “every woman in the world,” she would have had ample replacement hand-holders for one stinkin’ five-hour flight.

For what it’s worth, had she just come out and admitted that she’d rather not travel alone – and not conscripted all womankind to fight her tiny personal battle – I might have been more sympathetic.

Dear Carolyn: I have two friends, one engaged and one in engagement talks with her boyfriend. One alternately can’t fathom life without her fiancé, and admits she wouldn’t fall for him now if they met. I’ve asked if she’s happy, gotten no response, but she sure doesn’t seem happy. I’m her maid of honor. The other has been wavering for years about what career to follow and seems like her parents still tell her what to do. Then she met her boyfriend and boom, all worries went away for a while, but a year later they’re back full-force. Both are 26. Would it be completely out of line for me to ask them, separately, how the heck they can consider hitching their wagon to someone else for a lifetime when they seem to have this deep-rooted unhappiness or insecurity about who they are? – Hesitant

Remember, it’s still possible those engagement talks will break down without intervention and they’ll fail to hammer out a marital accord.

Your position with the engaged friend is better, since her plans are progressing and she’s clearly confiding in you.

Still, I can make a case there, too, for your not taking such a prominent stand. Even if you’re right that these weddings-to-be are mistakes – an iffy “if” if there ever was one – sometimes we need mistakes like these to force us all to grow up. With the second friend in particular, it’s hard to see the difference between your telling her what to do, and her parents.

Obviously, a bad marriage is a very painful oops – for your friends and the poor grooms – so don’t back off into oblivion, either. Instead, find a discreet spot in the wings: Take other opportunities to ask “are you happy”-type questions.

The operative words being “opportunity” and “ask” – let your friends invite the questions, and then find the answers themselves.