‘Heffalump’ is several lumps short

Look what they’ve done to my Pooh, Ma.

Outsourced his animation to Australia, where it’s all about Roos, not Poohs, even if the Silly Old Bear still gets top billing, with a story and drawing style that would embarrass Dr. Seuss. This is the form of 2-D animation that Disney decided it could afford to keep making, and “Pooh’s Heffalump Movie” is all they’ll spend Mouse Money on.

Pooh and his friends putter about on his 14.7 Acre Wood (Michael Eisner likes building hotels) in an adventure that is barely a motion picture at all.

A trumpeting sound is heard far and wide across the Wood, and Pooh, Tigger, Piglet and Roo run to Rabbit to find out what it might be.

Why they don’t ask Mrs. Kanga, Roo’s mom, or Owl, is a mystery. Rabbit’s an idiot.

But there are lots of mysteries “of the most mysterious kind,” the bear tells us. They guess that the noise is a Heffalump, which nobody there has ever seen. Bet his name is “Horton,” too. Does he hear Whos?

Pooh, Rabbit and company set out to trap a Heffalump, while the younger Roo bounces off to find and catch one on his own. And when he does, he makes friends with it, because that’s what the critters do in the 11.6 Acre Wood.

“Heffalump” may have hummable songs by Carly Simon. But it’s about two and a half lumps shy of being any good.

There was a time when it was all about the Pooh, and honey and blustery days and Tiggers who are bouncy-wouncy fun (“Im-poss- ibibble!”). But that was before the bear became a cash cow, one Disney was inclined to devalue with cut-rate movies and computer-animated Disney Channel fare.

About the only Pooh products worth pursuing these days are the Pooh bibs and overalls that Disney sells. But there’s no sense in brainwashing toddlers into wanting a Pooh that won’t be there by the time they’re old enough to want a Heffalump of their own.

By then, Disney’s sure to have strip-mined the 6 Acre Wood, drained its wetlands and consigned the Silly Old Bear to machine-animated direct-to-video.

Bother.