Goodbye, 2005. It began with bright hopes and boundless energy, and ended like Michael Moore climbing the steps of the Empire State Building. Before the fresh annoyances of 2006 arrive, let’s look back at what the Queen might have called the “annus ordinarius,” if anyone had asked her.

January: The Iraqi election went as scheduled, marking the first time the region had free elections since the Council of Mesopotamia in 2009 B.C., when the motion to have sheep instead of braised figs for dinner passed 4 to 3. The election was marred by violence, as many expected, mostly by pro-Saddam forces, but they were confined to the suburbs of Paris.

February: Iran announced it was suspending further development of its nuclear plans, leading European Union diplomats to preen about their wisdom and influence. One day later teacups in Stockholm rattled when Iran detonated its first nuclear weapon. The mullahs elaborated: “further development” was not necessary, since they now had the bomb. Surprise! But they promised not to build too many more bombs if the EU increased trade, took Israel out of the maps and textbooks, and put Khomeini on the 50 Euro note. After a series of tense negotiations, Europe claimed victory, and Iran accepted a mere watermark of Khomeini on the 100 Euro note.

May: North Korea announced a new five-year program titled “The People of North Korea, united behind the idea of Juche and the Resolute Force of the Army-Based Policy, strive to Confront the Imperialist Criminals, More or Less! It depends! Make Us An Offer!” Observers detected a change in the government’s policy toward the West, a suspicion bolstered when a catapult flung the lifeless body of Kim Jung Il over the demilitarized zone with a note reading “Let’s talk. Monday good for you?” pinned to his jacket.

June: Kofi Annan faced a new scandal when he was discovered to have personally signed the lucrative contracts that diverted oil-for food money to United Nations cronies. Editorial boards around the world rallied to his defense, pointing out Annan’s good work. Why, just look at the typeface for the Rwanda genocide report – an elegant, understated sans-serif font that was easy to read. Annan chose it. Imagine the photos he’d select for the upcoming report on U.N. inaction in the Sudan! The man has style.

When it was learned that Annan had used an autopen to sign the checks to oil-for-food embezzlers, however, his support evaporated.

September: Howard Dean assumed command of the Democratic National Committee. In his first press conference, he laid out a detailed strategy for his party’s future, including Social Security overhaul, a plan to accelerate Pentagon reform and revamp the force structure, a timetable to reduce the deficit while preserving the safety net, voluntary and cost-effective national health insurance, and an outreach program to Red State voters who believed their values were inconsistent with the Democrats’.

The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart ran the speech, then looked into the camera for four seconds and shouted YEAGHH! For this, Stewart would later get the Pulitzer Prize for commentary. Newspaper columnists across the land attempted to emulate Stewart’s deadpan mastery of the pause by running nothing but blank space under their bylines. Few noticed any difference.

November: A new strain of flu swept the world in late 2005, but this time the United States was prepared: Lawsuits against the vaccine makers were filed as soon as the new strain was discovered, shutting down all domestic vaccine production. “One person in 100,000 may have had an adverse reaction to the vaccine,” said lead plantiff’s attorney Edward “Vlad” Tortsarus. “We will not suffer that tragedy this year.” He was then excused, as he had the chills and did not feel very well.

December: The Edward Tortsarus Memorial Scholarship was set up to help poor children go to law school, preferably by suing the board of admissions.

Also that month, Iran admitted it had given nukes to Syria, Jordan, Egypt and the remnants of the Iraqi Baa’thists. In a move widely praised as a symbol of a new era of cooperation, both the United States and the United Nations agreed to do nothing about it.