Assisted living would be right up her alley

Dear Annie: After my father died, my husband and I brought my mother to live with us. We should have known better. Mom always ran things, and now that she lives with us, she still wants to control everything.

Mom doesn’t like it when her grandchildren and great-grandchildren come over to visit. These are my children and their families, and I want them to feel comfortable here. One of the grandchildren is coming in from out of state, and Mom has decided to leave while he is here.

Mom has asked me on several occasions if we are happy with her living with us, and I’ve told her “yes.” I thought, since she brought up the subject, that perhaps she was trying to tell me that she was unhappy, but she claims otherwise. She also mentioned that she couldn’t afford another place to live, but that isn’t so.

I think we may have made a mistake taking her away from her home. Mom is still very independent, and it might be better for her to be around people her own age. No house is large enough for two families, no matter how much love there is. I don’t want to hurt my mother, Annie. Please help me decide what to do. The pressure is getting to me. – Phoenix

Dear Phoenix: If your mother is independent and dislikes being around the grandchildren, she would probably thrive at a retirement home. If it is affordable, there is no reason for you to feel guilty about suggesting it. It would be much worse for your relationship to curdle because your house isn’t a good fit for her and resentment builds.

Make an appointment with the retirement homes and assisted-living centers in your area, and let Mom see what activities are offered and what the accommodations would be like. You all might be pleasantly surprised.

Dear Annie: My parents are in their late 70s and have been married for 55 years. The problem is, they bicker over the silliest, most ridiculous and petty things. It has gotten so bad that I don’t want to visit. I love my parents, but is this normal? Do I say something, or do I just ignore it because they’ve earned the right after 55 years of marriage? It is heartbreaking to see them this way. – Concerned Daughter

Dear Daughter: Your parents are stuck in a long-term pattern of behavior, and although it probably doesn’t bother them as much as it does you, it might not be a bad idea to say something. Perhaps if they could see their bickering through your eyes, they would make an effort to tone it down.

Dear Annie: Thanks for the Viagra dialogues that appeared in your column. As one respondent said, Viagra prescriptions should be accompanied by information concerning safe sex. The dangers of unprotected sex exist for all age groups. A teenager asked me recently, “How do old people get AIDS?” I told her they get it the same way young people do – by engaging in risky sexual behavior with people whose sexual history is unknown to them.

Here at AIDS Community Resources Inc., we are reaching out to doctors, particularly urologists, encouraging them to ask their clients if they are sexually active and, if so, what they are doing to protect themselves. A recent study shows that only 5 percent of general practitioners prescribe HIV testing for their patients. If all doctors would discuss sexual issues with their patients, HIV/AIDS information would reach far more people. After all, disease prevention is the work of the whole health care community. – Roger B. Smith, ACR, Utica, N.Y.

Dear Roger Smith: According to the National Institute on Aging, about 19 percent of all people with HIV/AIDS in the United States are age 50 and older. Some of these cases are connected to the resurgence of promiscuous sexual activity due to drugs like Viagra. Thank you for pointing out the importance of safe sex at every age.