If it’s a mistake, sis must clue-in at own pace

Hi Carolyn: How does anyone know if they are ready for marriage in a long-distance relationship? My sister has been seeing a guy on weekends for three years and now they are engaged. I can’t help but think that when the glow of the fairy tale wedding is gone, she’s going to be in big trouble. They have never spent more than two or three days together … ever. – Seattle

Of those who do know they’re ready for marriage, all circumstances, how many come to find out they were wrong?

You’re worried about your sister, and, from the sketch you gave, you have cause. But she already knows how you feel (unless you’ve found the secret recipe for concealing disapproval, tucked inside the Holy Grail). And, she has decided to proceed with her plans nonetheless.

Oh well.

Or, congratulations! There isn’t one road to bliss, there are millions of them, and the sole thing they have in common might be that they’re all paved with at least a few dubious choices. Makes the road longer, hotter and uphill, sure. But it’s not about being perfect; it’s about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

Meaning: Even if there were such thing as a sure mistake (there isn’t) and you knew this marriage was one (you don’t know), preventing it still wouldn’t assure her happiness. For that she’d have to be the one to recognize, admit, understand and remedy any mistakes on her own. People get to that point at their own pace. Assuming they get there at all.

So. Assuming you did try to challenge her thinking, your job now is to be the sibling who loves her. Wish her the best, stand by her, and help her though whatever big trouble arises – or stand happily corrected that you had any big trouble to fear.

Dear Carolyn: I am transferring colleges next (spring) semester. The only problem is that my ex-boyfriend of two years happens to attend the same university. I can assure you my reasons for transferring there have nothing to do with him, and would much prefer he not be there. But it is a big school and my plan is not to avoid him, but simply not see him on purpose. We are on good terms – I just don’t want to fall back into that old relationship. At any rate, my question is, should I tell him my plans? We speak about once a week, but I would rather just let him be surprised when he sees me. Is this inconsiderate? – K.M.

Probably, but I can’t say for sure because I’m too hung up on how weird it is.

You talk to the guy once a week, meaning you not only have been lying to him once a week since you made your decision, but you also intend to lie to him weekly for the next six months. When you ambush him.

These are not “good terms” you are on. These are “scared terms.” Face what you’re not facing about your feelings for him or whatever, then figure out how you want to deal with your sharing a campus next year, then let the guy in on your plans. And let us get our foreheads off our keyboards so we can all get back to work.