Put in-laws’ angry words in context of grief

Dear Annie: Two years ago, my husband passed away very suddenly at the age of 38. While he was in the hospital, his family verbally attacked me regarding where he should be buried. They thought he should be with them, in his hometown, 2,500 miles away from me and our three young children.

I decided to have him cremated and planned to give his parents some of his ashes. Later, however, I thought it would be too confusing for our children, having Daddy in two different states, so ultimately, I kept his ashes with us. I figured I would reconsider sharing his ashes when the children are older.

My husband’s family was so upset, they left before the funeral without saying goodbye. We didn’t hear from any of them until his mom called months later, saying mean and hurtful things.

I feel so sad for our children. They not only lost their father, but his whole family, too. They abandoned us when we really needed their support.

I know everyone grieves differently, but I am having a hard time understanding how my in-laws could cut their grandchildren out of their lives. They still acknowledge special occasions, and we are very appreciative, but that’s it.

How can I forgive and forget? I want things to be different, but I don’t know how to do it. – Wailing Widow

Dear Widow: Try to understand this from your in-laws’ point of view and imagine the devastation of losing a child. The fact that their son was an adult does not diminish the pain and grief. We don’t expect you to forget, but please forgive them for their unkind words. They are still hurting.

Maintain whatever contact is comfortable. Send occasional photographs of the children, perhaps with a short note letting them know how the kids are doing. We hope, with the passage of time, that the wounds will heal and they will become closer.

Dear Annie: Could you please print this, so the movie and television industry will consider putting closed captioning on all of their productions?

There are many, many people who are hearing impaired. Going to a movie theater is no pleasure when we have no idea what people are saying. I know they play the sound very loud, but that doesn’t help because the background noise overwhelms the dialogue.

Those TV programs that have captioning are truly appreciated, and I don’t bother tuning in to those that don’t. Help me get this message across. – Wisconsin Reader

Dear Wisconsin: As the Boomers age, hearing loss will become more common. It would be sensible for the industry to pay close attention to your letter.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Gasping for Air,” the high school freshman who claimed he was un-athletic and could not complete the mile run. I am a high school senior, and I think it was unfair of you to tell this freshman that “it’s in your best interest to be physically active and fit.” Just because a person is physically fit doesn’t mean he can run a mile. Not to mention, 10 years from now, nobody will remember how long it took him to get around the track.

You should have told him that being athletic isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and his grade-point average is probably higher than most of the football players. – Looking Out for My Peers in Michigan

Dear Looking Out: We agree he should concentrate on areas where he excels, but we aren’t going to discourage him from being physically fit. A few P.E. teachers wrote in, blaming the boy’s teacher for making him run laps knowing he would be ridiculed. The best advice, however, came from several readers who suggested the boy may have exercise-induced asthma and should be seen by a physician.