Revel if signs point to being single forever

Dear Carolyn: I had a thought this morning that I’m not sure is disturbing or liberating. What if there really is no one out there for me? What if I am going to be single for the rest of my life? How would knowing that change how I think and feel and live? – D.C.

Hold on while I crawl into your brain … thurp. OK.

Awfully gray in here.

But now I see, the idea was disturbing at first but ultimately liberating.

Complete bull, too. I can’t tell you if it’s disturbing or liberating until you know which one it is.

But it might help if you answer your last question first. Is there any element of your life that’s based on the assumption that you’d someday be married?

No rush; the signs that you’re waiting for your life to come find you aren’t always obvious, like living with your parents. It can be your savings strategy, your hobbies, your neighborhood, your hangouts, your eating habits, your choice of friends, your behavior on dates, your travel plans, your taste in clothing or music or art, your willingness even to buy art.

And if you identify any part of your life that’s in limbo because you’re single, try knocking it back out again. Make the choices you’d make if this were it, your life, no one but you calling shots.

Disturbing at first, but then liberating, at least in my head.

Carolyn: Three months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. She wanted to marry me and envisioned a happy life together, so it was very hard on her. Several people have told me I ended the relationship in a caring, tasteful manner, but I have to admit it was too sudden. Now, a season later, I am still stung by guilt rather frequently. We don’t talk any more because it’s too painful for her, but I really need to know how she’s doing. Is it appropriate for me to try to check up on her through one of her co-workers? – St. Louis

Before we get to appropriate, which is always messy, let’s start with worthwhile. What do you gain by checking? Hearts as a rule are resilient. If hers is a rare exception, then you … either do nothing and torture yourself, or come to her rescue and torture her, or take her back and torture you both.

But that exception would indeed be rare. This is the near certainty: that even if she still feels bad now, she will eventually stop feeling bad. Which means the best you can get from your reconnaissance is confirmation of what you already in some way suspect.

Meanwhile, this marginally effective guilt-balm comes at a price. By approaching her co-worker, you would not only drag her personal life to her workplace without her knowledge or consent, you would also, by implication, plant the idea that she’s too fragile to face you herself. If I were this ex-girlfriend, I’d prefer you just dump me again.

So, your idea is well-intended, but appropriate? Let’s say no. Ask her directly, ask a genuine mutual friend, or trust her to muddle on through.