Parents’ presence is what they need

Unruly kids? Household in chaos? Who ya’ gonna call? “Nanny 911,” the reality show that takes viewers into the homes of families where children rule the roost.

Watching Nanny Deb defuse five ruffians along with their defensive and clueless parents reminded me of my high school English lit teacher, Mr. Pettit.

During class he asked, “Who has influenced your life the most?” We pondered this question as we fiddled with love beads and stared at our bellbottom jeans. The answers shot back rapidly – friends, rock groups, music, political protesters, boyfriend/girlfriend, and religion.

“No,” he calmly said. “Your parents.”

You can imagine how this went over with a room full of rebellious teens not wanting to admit their parents had any influence on them whatsoever.

But they do.

Nanny Deb knows this gem of child-rearing as well. “These parents have got to get on board if there’s ever to be a change,” she said throughout the show.

Parenting is a tough job, and with the rash of high school violence, parenting teenagers is getting even tougher. Parents are supposed to know when to step forward and step back, be involved but not too involved, and love unconditionally yet recognize and intervene in their children’s failings.

Too bad “Nanny 911” doesn’t offer advice for parents of teenagers. Yet, I wonder if parents would readily “get on board” when Nanny Deb pointed out their errors, or would they become defensive like the parents in the show?

I mean, how can a stranger tell you what you’re doing wrong? Besides, who knows their teenager better than the parents?

“He was their son – but they didn’t know the kid who did this,” Pastor Don Marxhausen said at Dylan Klebold’s funeral

Tom and Sue Klebold thought they had a “good finished product” when describing their son Dylan, one of the Columbine shooters. I’m sure other families whose children were involved in violence thought this, too.

The histories of these tragic scenarios are similar – parents who had no idea something was amiss besides typical teenage angst, rebellion and growing pains.

When the teen years hit, many parents wake up to discover aliens have taken over their children. This happened to my husband and me, and both times the blame game was in full force.

Everyone was a bad influence on our teens. We could no more accept the blame for their sudden transformation than Nanny Deb can get rid of her English accent.

One evening, amid tears of frustration and after all the scapegoats had been duly pointed to, Pettit’s answer returned in a myriad of memories. We are the main influence in our children’s lives, and we had better get on board.

It took two years to find them. It took stepping back and lurching forward, being involved but not too involved and loving unconditionally yet intervening when needed. They didn’t become the adults we had envisioned. Instead they became their own persons who far exceeded our expectations.

With each act of school violence, the blame game will be played out. That’s why desperate times like these call for facing the truth.

In truth, the National Rifle Association can’t tell if your kid is depressed, picked on at school or is unable to deal with anger in a nonviolent way. Parents can.

Public schools can’t lay the foundations of religious faith and trust. Parents can.

Peers, rock music, movies and the bling-bling that accompanies these temptations can lead kids astray, but a parent’s presence, discipline, concern and guidance curb those impulses.

If you’re in the midst of the terrible teen tantrums, don’t step back. Reinforce what you’ve taught them since birth. Your influence does change their course in life. Like Nanny Deb said, “You’ve got to get on board.”