Clash between in-laws par for the course

Dear Annie: I recently visited my daughter and her husband. While there, my daughter told me her mother-in-law made it clear that I am not welcome in her house. To my knowledge, I have done nothing to this woman or her husband to cause any feelings of animosity. I was upset by this news and asked my son-in-law if it was true. He verified that his mother made the comment out of the blue when told I would be visiting the area.

I am aware that this woman is an alcoholic and a control freak. However, it still hurts my feelings to know I traveled many, many miles only to be shunned by someone with whom I share a grandchild. I expressed my feelings to my daughter, who said she was devastated as well.

Do you think my son-in-law should have told us that his mother would not welcome me into her home, or should he have waited until I called her and let her be the villain? – Sad and Rejected

Dear Sad: It doesn’t really matter who is the source of the information if it is true. It’s a shame your daughter’s MIL isn’t more welcoming, but you cannot force a relationship. It isn’t unusual when related-by-marriage family members don’t enjoy each other’s company, so don’t make more out of this than you need to. You still can see your daughter, her husband and their child, and that’s what counts.

Dear Annie: I am a 56-year-old father, married 35-plus years, and am trying to resolve a dispute. No one knows I am writing. My 31-year-old daughter is marrying for the second time in July. She didn’t have a big wedding the first time, so she is doing it now, and she has selected purple and pink as her color scheme.

My daughter says her mother cannot wear a pink dress because it is not proper etiquette, and they have had some very heated discussions over it. Our female friends disagree, saying my wife should definitely wear either purple or pink. I don’t really care because I am legally colorblind.

Please help me settle this quickly because it’s a long, hot time until July. – Peacekeeper

Dear Peacekeeper: There is no reason Mom cannot match the flowers and napkins, but according to Peggy Post, the mother of the bride should not wear the same color dress as the bride or the bridesmaids. Instead, she should select something that coordinates nicely. We hope that ends the argument.

Dear Annie: You recently printed a letter from “Anonymous in the Midwest,” who was invited to a retirement party for a friend and was asked to contribute toward the costs and a group gift. Perhaps this doesn’t happen everywhere, but here in the Boston area, it is a common occurrence for teacher retirement parties.

The parties are typically run by a few close colleagues who select the party site and gift, as well as determine how much each attendee is to pay (although the retiree and immediate family are not charged). There usually is also a suggested amount to give toward the gift.

Because I’ve attended such parties both as a family member and as a colleague, I certainly would not think twice if I got such an invitation. – A School Employee

Dear School Employee: A retirement party for a colleague is different from a private party given by the retiree”s spouse. When co-workers plan a party for a fellow employee, it is perfectly OK to ask other employees to contribute to the party and to a group gift. However, when Joe Smith’s wife decides she wants to celebrate her husband’s retirement by inviting their friends to a gala, it is inappropriate to expect the guests to pay for the privilege – even in Boston.