‘Gift of Fear’ offers warnings to watch for

Dear Carolyn: My 18-year-old daughter just completed her first year of college. She went out of state, to experience new friends, situations, etc. But she has been dating a young man for two years who attends a local college.

She has said before that they fight a lot, mostly over stupid things. This weekend, they got into an argument and she said he just went crazy, screaming at her, just lost it entirely. As usual, he later apologized, but she told me (and him) that she was angry at herself for allowing him to talk to her that way, and for still talking to him at all.

She has since softened, at least till their next fight. My fear is that he’s one argument away from using his fists. If I say too much, she defends him, says he’ll never hurt her, he’s not that bad, so I back off. Is there something I can say, some statistics or book or something, to encourage her to get away from this boy? She is also thinking of transferring to the same local college, and I am so fearful for her. – A Desperate Mom

Since my one-sentence book, “Has It Occurred to You That You’re Essentially Saying You’d Rather Fight All the Time Over Stupid Things Than Be Single?” has so far failed to find a publisher, give her “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. It’s a one-book education on warnings to heed and relationships to avoid. It’s also a great read, which might get you off the motherly hook. For a more readily accessible list of relationship danger signs, try Peace at Home’s “Domestic Violence: The Facts” at www.peaceathome.org.

Carolyn: New co-worker … wow. Just knocks my socks off. (She’s good-looking, but not what most people would consider a knockout.) She seems nice, but, honestly, it’s not her sparkling personality that I’m thinking about – so I feel a little funny asking her out, doubly so because we work together. It’s suddenly a lot harder to concentrate at those division meetings! How do I work with someone I’m thinking less-than-pure thoughts about on a regular basis?

Just to allay the inevitable concerns: She doesn’t work for me. We’re approximately the same age. I’m not married/involved, and to the best of my knowledge neither is she. – D.C.

Then enjoy it. Think impure thoughts. Look forward to meetings for once. (“Hmm? I’m sorry, my mind was on a different project.”)

And: Be grateful you feel funny about asking her out, because that just might keep you from asking her out. As long as you’re preoccupied by anything – anything – other than her sparkling personality, you don’t want to ask her out. The personality is the whole point. The personality is the whole point. The personality is the whole point.

You want your socks knocked off, too, duh. But neither kind of attraction, physical or emotional, will last without the other. And anyone who’s had an inter-cubicle breakup will tell you that if you start this thing, you want it to last at least as long as it takes to plan out your next career move.