The Slice: Some days are better than others

Sometimes it’s just swell being me.

Wednesday morning’s phone mail included a couple of the most hilariously abusive messages I have received since The Slice debuted in 1992. These foul-mouthed tirades sounded like scenes from HBO’s “Deadwood.”

I’d love to print a snippet, but you’ll have to take my word that it wouldn’t be possible in a family newspaper. (I have enjoyed, however, sharing these adult-language rants with colleagues.)

The caller did not identify himself. But he was so mad that, after his first attack, he called back and laced into me again.

So, what, you ask, had I done to get him so riled up?

I had suggested that maybe not everyone ought to wear cowboy hats and cowboy boots. Then I had printed responses from readers, not all of whom agreed with me.

Oh, well. Maybe that guy was just having a bad day. I used to wear those boots when I was about 6, and I remember that they can really pinch.

Then I started opening e-mail. And here’s one of the first ones I read.

“Hey Paul,

“My name is Dan Morris. We’ve met a couple of times with my wife Kristi Gorenson and our daughter Haley.

“Were you at River Park Square this last Saturday afternoon? (Yes, I was.)

“If so, I had a pretty good laugh at your expense that you may find amusing.

“We had just finished shopping and we were waiting for the elevators to get us up to your boss’s parking garage. One of the elevators opened up and it was too full for the 10 people waiting to get on. (Apparently I was one of those people.)

“After the doors closed, the lady standing next to me whispered to her daughter, ‘I’ve seen that man’s picture in the paper. I think he may be a sex offender.’

“I thought about correcting her and telling her it was, in fact, Paul Turner and he writes The Slice. But it seemed more amusing to let her believe that you are a sex offender in the hopes that she would run into you upstairs in the parking garage, or in one of the stores.

“Truly one of the best ‘almost recognized’ moments I’ve been party to.”

Too bad I didn’t wind up sitting next to that woman in the movie.

“ Unwitting critique: Like all other kids exposed to mass media, Brad Hallock’s 4-year-old son has absorbed a lot of fast-food advertising. In fact, he even sings one restaurant chain’s jingle.

But instead of the lyric “I’m lovin’ it,” his line is “Enough of it!”

His dad thought about correcting him, but decided against it.

“Warm-up questions: What did you learn from playing sports with co-workers? How many Spokane-area co-workers who sit within 10 feet of one another e-mail back and forth at least 10 times a day?

“Today’s Slice question: Has your house ever been accidentally shot by hunters?