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FBI’s image just may go up in smoke

Doug Clark The Spokesman-Review

Like all morally calcified right-wing Americans, I was torched to read that the FBI may start hiring from the bong arm of the law.

The square and squeaky clean bureau, the news story reported, is actually looking at relaxing its standards for job applicants who once dabbled with marijuana or other brain-befuddling substances.

What are the G-men trying to do – turn the FBI into the FB-High?

And it goes without saying that the “G” will stand for “grass” when agents go from black-suited straight arrows to red-eyed airheads saying, “Whoa, duuuude.”

Why, a development like this could redefine the FBI.

And do we really want a Federal Bureau of Inhalation?

True, the CIA has been known to employ a pill popper or two. But from everything I’ve seen in spy movies, those CIA spooks are already buggier than a meth chef’s trailer.

The FBI, as I misunderstand the proposal, would consider only job candidates who maybe smoked a bit of weed or did a line or two back in the day. The bureau door would remain closed to anyone who wears more than three gold chains, has a subscription to High Times or can parrot Al Pacino lines from “Scarface.”

(“Say hello to my leedle friend!”)

Some senior FBI officials are reportedly frustrated that qualified law enforcement prospects have been passed over due to the bureau’s Victorian policy not to hire any applicants who have vacationed in Colombia or are too familiar with the metric system.

Easing the FBI hiring rules does make some sense. Let’s face it. Probably half the American population has had a flirtatious affair with Mary Jane at one time or another.

That percentage rises dramatically for porn stars, NFL running backs and city council members.

More than a few fine police officers probably used drugs as civilians before realizing that carrying a loaded gun and a pair of handcuffs gives you a way more amazing buzz.

Cops, of course, are imaginative people. They don’t need any dope to act like dopes.

In a related local news story …

Prank-playing Spokane County sheriff’s deputies led unsuspecting city police on a bogus chase through the downtown earlier this month that ended with two damaged police cars and guns drawn at a plainclothes deputy.

“…They were goofing around,” a Spokane police lieutenant told the newspaper. “You just kind of go, ‘Come on, guys.’ “

For some reason that story reminds me of something Keith Richards once said:

“I don’t have any problems with drugs, only policemen.”

But getting back to our topic, I fear hiring former stoners could interfere with the FBI’s mission to protect the green, green grass of homeland security.

Think of the trouble that could happen if the FBI’s relaxed hiring standards go into effect and a relapse occurs.

AGENT CHEECH: (from the inside of a haze-filled unmarked stakeout car) – “Heeeey, maaan. Looky that dude who just came out of that building over there. He’s carrying a package.”

AGENT CHONG: (Passing a reefer) – “What is it, man? Do think it’s a bomb?”

AGENT CHEECH: (Accepting the gift) – “No, man. Better than that. It’s Oreos.”

AGENT CHONG: (Bailing out of the car) – “Let’s apprehend him, bro. I got some badass munchies.”

Marijuana abuse has been linked to the FBI in years past.

The bureau’s legendary first director, in fact, was said to have had one gnarly jones for the icky sticky. This led to terrible lapses in judgment that ultimately took the form of the director being photographed in various compromising positions while wearing high heels and a strapless red velvet evening gown.

You all know the famous FBI pothead I’m talking about, right?

Yep. It was J. Edgar Hookah.

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