Today I am taking a breather from my role as political problem solver and singing sensation to focus on a mission of mercy.
And that is the safe return of Stanley, who was abducted from his north Spokane home the other day.
Don’t look for Stanley on a milk carton. Stanley is a puppy.
The little bowser was snatched by two she-devils posing as prospective dog buyers.
“They knew exactly what they were doing,” says Yvonne Shaunessy, 74, who supplements her meager Social Security income by breeding purebred dogs that sell for $500 each.
“They were stealing this puppy for drugs.”
I hope Yvonne is barking up the wrong tree. The world is really swirling down the sewer when junkies start dealing dogs for dope.
But motive aside, I want to solve this crime.
So I am hereby issuing an all points bulletin to my Clark column compadres: Be on the lookout for poor Stanley.
You can’t miss him. The 2-month-old victim weighs a couple of pounds. His silky long hair is a collaboration of white, gold and black. But here’s the real identifier: Stanley’s mug is a dead ringer for one of those Ewoks from the old Star Wars “Return of the Jedi” saga.
I have delayed mentioning Stanley’s registered AKC breed for a reason.
Some readers were grossly offended by my Sunday rewrite of the song standard “My Way” despite it being a poignant parody soundtrack to Spokane mayoral current events.
(What? Haven’t heard it yet? Hurry to www.spokesmanreview.com and be part of the swelling legion who have already made my recording of Bi-Way the Spokane area’s Number One tune with a bullet!)
But getting back to my conciliatory point. The last thing I want to do is to re-offend those sensitive souls by scarring their delicate psyches with any gratuitous scatological references.
And so I will state the dog breed only once for clarity.
Stanley is … a Shih Tzu.
(Columnist’s aside: Pull your dirty minds out of the Dumpster. It’s pronounced “sheet-soo,” I tell ya – SHEET-SOO!)
Another reason I want to help is that Yvonne and I share an emotional bond more tenacious than Gorilla Glue.
We are both yard cart survivors.
As you might recall, earlier this summer I ignored the “Do Not Move With Lid Open” warning sticker and took an embarrassing header into my green plastic yard waste bin.
Yvonne’s similar garbage bin bust-up happened a few weeks after mine. She, too, stepped on the lid with dire gravitational consequences. A’flying she went. The tumble broke her thumb, which required pins. A cast still covers most of her right arm.
See? How could I not rush to her aid?
So Wednesday morning found me in Yvonne’s tidy home, watching her re-enact the crime and trying to interview the four-legged witnesses. Quite frankly, Yvonne’s dogs didn’t offer much other than to lick and chew my fingers.
From what I gather, however, the crime went down shortly after the two 20-something women arrived. They had called Yvonne earlier, getting her number from the newspaper ad she placed to peddle her puppies.
Yvonne took them to a back bedroom converted into a canine nursery. They said they wanted a male. Of the four puppies Yvonne was selling, Stanley was the lone dude.
The women asked if they could hold him. Yvonne said sure.
Before she realized what was happening the pair had high-tailed it out the front door with Stanley in hand. It’s not the loss of revenue that bothers Yvonne. She loves her dogs and fears for Stanley’s well being.
In the vast crime arena of miscreants and malefactors, a dog-napping is kibbles and bits. But as far as I’m concerned anyone low enough to steal a dog from a senior citizen in an arm cast is pure trash.
No, even worse. These women are a couple of real Shih Tzus.
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