It’s round ‘n’ round we go at roundabout

Plagued by a budget crunch, possible cuts in police service and a mayor who won’t let go of his hard drive, the city of Spokane has installed a $919,000 traffic roundabout at Wellesley and A.

Skeptics question the sanity of flushing so much public money (federal and local) down a one-way circular intersection at a nondescript location during such dark times.

But that’s because most Americans don’t know a roundabout from a roundworm.

To clear up the confusion, I will turn over the remainder of today’s column to celebrated traffic consultant Professor Headspin who will answer your roundabout questions:

Why a roundabout?

Professor Headspin: Contrary to city-issued propaganda, the roundabout is not about reducing collisions. Or even the similarly sounding name of a 1964 Elvis movie. This is all about traffic engineers giving taxpayers a nearly million-dollar swirlie.

I tried out the roundabout Friday and got pretty carsick after the 12th rotation. Do you have a solution?

Professor Headspin: At the onset of nausea set your car on cruise control and then rest your eyes for at least a rotation or two.

Should drivers slow down when entering a roundabout?

Professor Headspin: Roundabout speed depends on driver destination. For example, say you’re headed for Hillyard. Letting go of the steering wheel at 47 miles an hour inside the roundabout will catapult your vehicle directly into The Comet saloon parking lot.

Aw, is that true?

Professor Headspin: I saw it in the “Dukes of Hazzard” movie.

Naming a street “A” seems lame and unimaginative, even by Spokane standards. Can’t we do better?

Professor Headspin: Now that the roundabout is completed, there is a motion before the City Council to rename “A” Street “Boondoggle Boulevard.”

Must we always drive counterclockwise around the roundabout?

Professor Headspin: Only while it’s Daylight Savings Time. After that, the roundabout will automatically fall back to Wellesley and “B.”

Are more roundabouts being planned?

Professor Headspin: Another roundabout will soon be under construction in the middle of the newly refurbished Monroe Street Bridge. This is for drivers who get halfway across but then change their minds.

Is that all?

Professor Headspin: No. Spokane Mayor Jim West has also proposed building a new roundabout where mayoral recall instigator Shannon Sullivan’s home now stands.

What’s the single biggest benefit that will come from this fancy new roundabout?

Professor Headspin: We’ll never again hear teenagers whining that there’s nothing exciting to do in Spokane on a Friday night.

It seems like a good deal of empty space is going to waste in the middle of the roundabout. Would it be OK if I parked my RV there and camped out next Memorial Day?

Professor Headspin: Camping on city property is forbidden unless you are a homeless advocate with a bedroll and a bad attitude. Besides, the roundabout wheel estate will soon be fitted with an automated Calliope playing merry-go-round music for accelerated driver enjoyment.

You mean like at the Riverfront Park carousel?

Professor Headspin: Oompah! Oompah!

Speaking of spinning in circles, I see in Friday’s newspaper that former Spokane City Councilmaniac Steve Eugster is seeking a court order to stop the Mayor West recall process.

Professor Headspin: Poor Steve’s been drinking contaminated Colbert well water again.

Remember that Superman movie where Superman goes ‘round and ‘round the Earth really fast so he can turn back time and save Lois Lane? Can the roundabout be used for time travel?

Professor Headspin: No need. Spokane is already 10 years behind in time.