Try to examine change of heart

Hi, Carolyn: Say a woman is married, but for well over a year she agonizes over someone else – a guy she has been friends with since before she met her husband. It just hits her one day: Hey, she has a thing for the guy-friend.

In cases like these, the conventional wisdom is that the woman is wrapped up in a fantasy, and many other things are the cause of her longing.

My question is whether you think, sometimes, the answer is really that she married the wrong guy. If she goes through counseling and still can’t stop thinking about the guy friend, could it be that she might have a happier life with him? – Va.

Of course. Sometimes people choose poorly. I know that. You know that. Everyone who knows a married person knows that. Even if there were such a thing as a mistake-proof realm of human behavior, marriage wouldn’t make the first cut.

But let’s say we all agree you made a mistake. Which is it: that you should have married the other guy, or that you shouldn’t have married the guy you did?

Neither is automatic license to change husbands (I’m assuming your question isn’t purely rhetorical). For one thing, the new guy might disappoint. And, far more important: You’re married. That does mean something.

To some, it means you stay married and throw your soul into making it work. Period.

Others would argue that’s not fair to the guy whose wife needs to force herself to want him. In that case, honoring marriage might just mean you have to give your husband’s needs the same weight you give your own.

If, for example, your leaving would put him in logistical crisis – homeless, bankrupt, alone with a bunch of small kids – then your bliss will have to wait.

But if he’d rather not share a home with someone who’d rather not share one with him, then your bliss is yours to chase.

Obviously few scenarios are black-and-white. If it isn’t discernible what your husband would want, and if your doubts haven’t once faltered, it might be time to ask him the terrible question: My heart isn’t in this right now. What next?