Mom verbally abuses Grandma

Dear Annie: My 90-year-old grandmother moved into my parents’ house a year ago, because Grandma was showing signs of dementia and kept forgetting to take her medications. My sister lives three hours away, and I am slightly closer. We each visit about once a month.

Mom has health problems, and we knew eventually the stress of caring for Grandma would become too much for her. The last time I visited, Mom seemed to have gone over the edge and was speaking abusively to Grandma.

I invited Grandma to stay with me for a week or two, so they could both have a break. Mom said, “Good! Then I can put her in a rest home when she comes back!” Grandma came to me later, crying, and said, “She hates me.”

I called Mom and told her she shouldn’t speak to Grandma that way and suggested she get someone to come in a couple of days a week, but she refuses to spend the money, even though my parents can afford it.

I’m worried. I don’t want to report this situation, but I feel something needs to be done. – Worried Kid

Dear Worried: We love children who are willing to step in when the situation requires it. Being a caregiver is stressful, and Mom needs more frequent breaks from Grandma. However, she should not be verbally abusive, and if she cannot control herself, Grandma should not be living there. Can you and your sister arrange a regular schedule with Mom so that you alternate having Grandma? Would Dad be willing to pay for outside help if Mom won’t? Are there adult daycare centers in the area? Contact the Family Caregiver Alliance (caregiver.org) at (800) 445-8106 or the Eldercare Locator (eldercare.gov) at ( 800) 677-1116 to see what resources are available.

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Dear Donor: Here are our recommendations: Armed Services YMCA (asymca.org), (800) 597-1260; Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund (fallenheroesfund.org), (800) 340-HERO (800-340-4376); Fisher House Foundation (fisherhouse.org), (888) 294-8560; National Military Family Association (nmfa.org), (800) 260-0218; Army Emergency Relief (aerhq.org), (866) 878-6378; Disabled American Veterans Charitable Service Trust (dav.org/cst), 3725 Alexandria Pike, Cold Spring, KY 41076. For information on these and other charities, check out Charity Navigator (charitynavigator.org), the American Institute of Philanthropy (charitywatch.org) and guidestar.org.