Carolyn Hax: Unreciprocated affection hurts

Hey, Carolyn: Last night, I went out with a guy I really like on a nice date. We’ve gone out a couple of times, he’s made it very clear that the most we are going to be is dating – he is not interested in a relationship, etc. And then I slept with him last night. I’m not having woe-is-me second thoughts. I like him, and I’d probably do it again. But, there is a part of me that feels like, at 28, I need to stop getting into these kinds of relationships. The guy told me he doesn’t want a real relationship, and I basically gave the casual sexual relationship the thumbs-up last night. The problem is, I want more, and with him.

So, do I wait it out and see if I can change his mind (realizing this is not going to happen), or do I cut my losses right now? – Washington, D.C.

Right. At least he respects your intelligence.

A guy wants you, he makes time – so you already know “this is not going to happen.” And yet you haven’t ruled out waiting for his improbable change of heart. And the reason is?

Obvious. The happy outcome seems so possible, especially from your vantage point in his bed.

This is where the chorus usually starts screaming, “Cut your losses!” – or, “You deserve better,” or my personal favorite, “Why would he buy the cow when he’s getting the milk for free!” As if you couldn’t find these pearls without our help.

The problem is, the fairy-tale vision is so fiercely tempting that your rational voice needs something more persuasive to say than a bunch of cliches.

For example: Even if he does someday/somehow fall for you, the decision to make him love you will already have dragged you to a level of self-loathing where you’ll never fully enjoy it.

Let’s say you decide to view your casual-sex proximity as a chance to “win” him over.

Scenario 1, he doesn’t fall for you. You’re left to process that you gave him the best you had to give, and he still decided he wasn’t all that impressed.

Scenario 2, he does fall for you. Yay! … except for that nagging fear of what happens if you ever stop giving your best – if you let your guard down, or get sick or fat or fired, or annoy him, or have family problems, or say something stupid, or age. You had to talk him into wanting you. Not a warm or secure place to be.

And that’s why you need to stop getting into these kinds of relationships – because the value you place on each other isn’t mutual. Once you’ve thrown your morale on the floor, retrieving it is a lot more fraught than you think.