The Slice: Bills are meant to be cursed, mailed

I understand the logic of paying bills online.

For me, though, it just wouldn’t be as satisfying as doing it the old-fashioned way.

There’s something about writing the check, affixing a stamp and sticking on a return-address label that feels, well, substantial. Plus, it takes long enough to allow you the time to mutter a few choice words.

“My two bits: Now that the Washington commemorative quarter is actually in circulation, I’m forced to admit that it’s not that big a deal.

About 10 years ago, The Slice began worrying that the coin would turn out to be a “Western Washington” quarter. Of course, that’s exactly what came to pass. It features Mount Rainier and a salmon.

Now that it’s out, though, I can only shrug. The mountain and fish are OK, I guess. Besides, a better coin is coming.

Next up in the rollout of commemorative quarters: Idaho’s 25-cent piece, dominated by the image of a falcon.

As the great Gary Larson (WSU class of 1972) noted years ago, birds of prey know they’re cool.

“New reader service: It was brought to my attention that spending a certain amount of money at a certain high-profile department store entitles a customer to “The 24/7 services of Nordstrom On Call, our fashion emergency hotline.”

I’m pretty sure this is aimed at women. Call it a hunch.

But what about guys who face a fashion emergency?

“Hello? Can you wear a hooded sweatshirt with khakis, or do those only go with jeans?”

So today I’m announcing the launch of The Slice’s 24/7 fashion emergency hotline for men.

Your purchase of a copy of The Spokesman-Review entitles you to phone at any time and ask for help in dressing yourself. For your convenience, the fashion emergency hotline is the same phone number as The Slice’s line.

I probably should note that if you call after I’ve gone home, I won’t get back to you until the next day – or later, if you call on a weekend.

So here are a few all-purpose tips you might want to keep in mind.

If you find yourself sniffing a garment to determine if it is suitable for wearing, choose something else. Too tight is bad. Unadorned T-shirts are classier than ones with variations of “Do it” slogans. And backward ballcaps mark you as a moron.

OK, I’m not really expecting a ton of calls. We’ve all seen how guys dress around here. There’s not a lot of fretting going on. Still, you never know.

You probably thought it was a joke when I offered to act as a baby-names consultant. But several wise parents-to-be have sought my advice.

So remember. Lines are open. Operators are standing by.

OK, not really. But there’s a chance I’m at my desk.

“Today’s Slice question: Who is the most photographed person in the Inland Northwest?