When it comes to aging, it’s crucial to resist denial

For a long time, I’ve wanted to attend the next meeting of Procrastinators Anonymous, but I’ve never gotten around to it. No matter, I understand tomorrow’s meeting was postponed until next week.

Yes, it’s a tired joke. But it’s one that allows us to keep the discomfort of procrastination at arm’s length. And that is one of humor’s functions, to put off what we don’t want to consider.

Nice irony! Use humor to put off dealing with procrastination – the (often) daily task of putting off what distresses us.

A common dictionary definition of “procrastinate” is “to postpone needlessly, to put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.” This may be true, but when it comes to procrastinating on issues of aging, I don’t think habitual carelessness or laziness can hold a candle to denial.

I’ve worked with elder issues as a pastor, a geriatric social worker or an elder-care consultant. It’s clear to me that Denial is alive and well in the hearts of elders and of their adult children. To paraphrase a common cliché, “Denial is much, much more than a river in Egypt.”

I’ve come to realize procrastination is a significant result of denial. We all experience denial to some degree.

It can actually be a healthy mechanism for us to deal with a traumatic experience. Denial can allow us emotional space to deal with that trauma eventually in healthier ways.

But denial can be nourished beyond its usefulness. It’s like when a beautiful plant is over-watered, or when our enjoyment of food causes us to put on 20 pounds too many.

Denial run amok can result in extended procrastination. That in turn can deteriorate into symptoms like significant family tensions, unnecessary decline in physical health, or distressing emotional struggles like depression.

Consider the current lives of Ted and Mary (a “composite couple”). Mary’s dementia is getting worse. Soon Ted won’t be able to care for her by himself. But after 52 years of marriage, and no children in the immediate area, Ted is in a quandary exaggerated by his denial of their situation.

He’s too proud to ask for even some short respite help from their friends. He doesn’t think Mary is “that bad,” and he pretends his own health problems won’t get in the way of his watching after her.

A home-health occupational therapist offered to come to their home and see if there were ways the home could be made safer for both Ted and Mary. His refusal of this service appears to be rooted in his own determination to care for his wife, as well as in his denial of her vulnerability and his capability.

His denial could eventually result in putting them both at high risk in their own home.

I believe Mary’s dignity plus Ted’s self-determination and dignity can be maintained if Ted gives himself permission to seek the support of family, friends, and professional elder-care workers. It’s time to gently, respectfully try to help Ted and Mary find ways to deal with their lives as they are.

It is time to say “no” to denial, thus “no” to procrastination.

It has been my experience that respectful truth-telling goes a long way toward reducing people’s tendency toward denial of aging issues, whatever they may be. My own work with elders and family members is based largely on compassionate listening and respectful truth-telling.

And patience. Even respectful truth-telling doesn’t always work to persuade someone to deal with their aging issues. To patiently wait for a person to embrace his fear in healthy ways – rather than deny it – is hard to do. But that respectful patience can lead to less denial, less procrastination.

Put another way: when a person knows he is still free to choose to deny his new life-circumstances, he will paradoxically often feel free to not put off accepting who he is at this moment in his life.