Jim Kershner: Here’s help if you’re going loonie

More and more Canadians are shopping and sightseeing in the Inland Northwest because of the renewed strength of the loonie.

Loonie: (noun) 1. Canadian dollar. 2. Affectionate name for a duck. 3. Bin from which Canadians believe most Americans have escaped.

In order to help all of you Canadians navigate your way through our strange land, I hereby offer the following “Guidebook for Canadian Visitors”:

Food: American food is much like Canadian food, although, remarkably, even worse. Not only do we Americans eat as many doughnuts as Canadians, despite the absence of Tim Hortons franchises, but we generally wash them down with a quadruple caramel mocha.

Otherwise, breakfasts are similar, relying heavily on bacon, eggs, Pop Tarts and Rolaids.

American lunches are typically Whammy Whoppers with fries, eaten out of a bag, while talking on a cell phone and driving.

American dinners have become quite sophisticated in the last 20 years, often consisting of sesame-encrusted ahi with a drizzled pomegranate reduction infusion, or, alternatively, Whammy Whoppers with fries.

Transportation: America is a surprisingly easy country to get around in, as long as you have a large car and unlimited credit on your gasoline credit card. Using public transportation, such as trains or buses, will label you immediately as Canadian or maybe even European.

One thing to look out for: Gasoline prices might seem high, but remember that gasoline is sold in gallons, not liters. Gasoline is actually less expensive in the U.S., apparently because you Canadians have generously given us all of your vast oil reserves.

One other thing to look out for: Speed limits are in miles per hour, not kilometers, so please do not go 70 kph (43.5 mph) on our freeways.

Money: American money is counted in the same denominations as Canadian, although Americans do not call their dollar a “loonie.”

They call it “almighty God.”

The exchange rate is more favorable than it has been for decades, which means you now will be ripped off to the tune of only about 4 percent.

Happy shopping!

Scenic wonders: Here in the Inland Northwest we have the channeled scablands, the Palouse wheat fields and Mount Spokane, the southernmost outpost of the mighty Selkirk Range.

You, on the other hand, have Lake Louise, Banff, Jasper, the entire magnificent spine of the Canadian Rockies, the Kootenays, the Bugaboos, the Purcell Range and the rest of the mighty Selkirk Range.

And you’re visiting us for what reason?

Oh, right. To shop at the General Store and the White Elephant.

History: The Inland Northwest has a magnificent historical legacy that stretches all the way back to when the first native tribes came down from what is now Canada, lured by a decent exchange rate.

Some of them apparently never found their way back. Let that be a lesson to you.

Culture: We Americans are like you in many ways, most notably in our shared language, shared English cultural heritage and shared interest in beer.

For those of you who are French-Canadian, we also have a shared interest in Celine Dion.

We are obsessed by the same sports as you, namely baseball, football and especially hockey, a sport we love so much that Anaheim, Tampa Bay and Denver routinely steal the Stanley Cup from you, mostly using Canadian players.

And finally, I must mention one other change that has occurred since you last visited us.

Americans, while generally friendly, have become slightly more paranoid and bellicose.

Do not anger us or insult us.

We will, if necessary, invade you.