Couch Slouch in such a good mood he’d hug these guys

Per my therapist’s suggestion – I’ve been seeing a shrink since I was 11 months old, after my mother told me “to start fixing your own breakfast” – I am trying to be kinder and gentler. To that end, I’ve been watching TV with a smile in my heart and have compiled my first-ever list of Slouch Sweeties:

Marv Albert, TNT: On any given day, he can call any given play in any given sport – with the possible exception of curling – as well as any given human. Plus, he’s ageless.

Charles Barkley, TNT: I wouldn’t want him as my governor – I’m not even sure I’d want him to live in a neighboring state – but he is sheer entertainment saddled in a studio, speaking his mind sometimes before locating it.

Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long, Fox: I’m not sure how they did it, but these guys have bottled the formula for pregame studio entertainment, and it appears to have no expiration date.

James Brown, CBS: He wasn’t born in a studio, but he certainly seems to live well there.

Joe Buck, Fox: Occasionally gets too cutesy, but he understands the big moments, the small moments and most everything in between.

Mary Carillo, CBS: Straight forward, no nonsense and, thankfully, not John McEnroe.

David Feherty and Gary McCord, CBS: If these fellas sit down on either side of you in a bar during Happy Hour, you’ll gladly be there until closing.

Dan Fouts, ABC: I just like the cut of his jib.

Greg Gumbel, CBS: Seems like a friendly, unobtrusive sort.

Ernie Johnson, TNT: If my dog is run over by a truck and one of my ex-wives runs away with one of my ex-lawyers, the man I’d want to tell me the bad news is Ernie Johnson.

Bob Ley, ESPN: It’s not easy going outside the lines time and again; eventually, they might not let you back in.

(Column Intermission: Couch Slouch is not sweet on the “information guys,” like NBC’s NFL insider Peter King. King specializes in misinformation. On the Falcons’ coaching vacancy, he told viewers, “The general manager, Rich McKay, likes Jeff Tedford…and the owner, Arthur Blank, likes Mike Singletary.” The next day, the Falcons hired Bobby Petrino. In fact, King went 0 for 41/2 that day on his inside info. Not a single name he linked to the Falcons, Cardinals, Steelers or Dolphins was hired.)

Verne Lundquist, CBS: When we were growing up, every play-by-play announcer sounded as reassuring and relaxed as Verne. Nowadays, just Verne sounds like Verne.

Kenny Mayne, ESPN: He makes me smile or laugh so often, I forgive him for those Progressive auto insurance commercials.

Sean McDonough, ESPN: No frills, all of the time. Frankly, I’m surprised he hasn’t been fired recently.

Lon McEachern, ESPN: The Voice of Poker carries the additional burden of having to spend quality time with The Slouch.

Jim McKay, ABC: I miss him just about every Saturday afternoon.

Al Michaels, NBC: Is he as good as he was 10 years ago? No. But, my friends, none of us are as good as we were 10 years ago. Still, he remains the gold standard. Trust me – he’s got the hair, he’s got the teeth, he’s got the eyes, he’s got the car. He’s the lead singer, Peggy Sue.

Jon Miller, ESPN: As sure and steady of a voice as baseball can ask for. Just close your eyes, open your ears and smell the infield grass.

Bob Neumeier, NBC: If he gives me a horse, I won’t bet it – but I’ll be thoroughly entertained by his faulty reasoning.

Chris Rose, Fox Sports Net: If you can survive six years of “The Best Damn Sports Show Period” without being dragged away in a rubber suit, you deserve a little sunshine in your life.

Jeremy Schaap, ESPN: What’s not to like?

Trey Wingo, ESPN: He’s Trey Wingo.

Ask The Slouch

Q. How bad did Ohio State coach Thad Matta look during Gumgate? (Peter Fernandez; Fairfax, Va.)

A. Let me ask you this: What’s unhealthier, picking up some chewing gum off the floor and putting it back in your mouth, or slaughtering a cow and putting any part of it in your mouth? You go, Thad.

Q. The NHL is going to play two games next season in London. What did they ever do to us? (Jon Chapman; Westmere, N.Y.)

A. It might be payback for the British withdrawing troops from Iraq.

Q. Celtics radio analyst Cedric Maxwell said NBA referee Violet Palmer should “go back to the kitchen.” Would this be considered inappropriate? (Al Watts; Little Falls, Minn.)

A. Why, what’s in the kitchen?

Q. It’s heartwarming that Chris Webber has gone back to Michigan where he played his college ball, but isn’t it odd he’s playing for less money? (Steve Miller; Cleveland)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.