Carolyn Hax: Have fun with fantasy but be careful
Carolyn Hax is away. The following is adapted from winter 2006 live discussions on www.washingtonpost.com.
Carolyn: I am back in the dating world after being separated for close to a year. I really am not interested in a marriage-type relationship at this time … I want to play the field, so to speak, and just enjoy life. I have been e-mailing this man for two months. We are both professionals, both divorced … it’s really a physical flirty kind of thing. Any downside to living out your fantasy? – Maryland
Just that the people who will be living this fantasy are real, and real people have an obnoxious tendency to resist following a script. But as long as you know what that means, and you’re careful and ready for any consequences, then, happy trails.
Carolyn: I do not have children, but over the past year several of my good friends have had their first child. I’ve been thrilled for all of them and adore their kids, but I feel sort of awkward in our friendship now that they have this little creature so demanding of their time and I am still free as ever. I never know when to call, how to make plans, etc. I admit I am also a little resentful because I miss my old friends who could randomly chat on a weekend for longer than 10 minutes. I love children but am not thinking of having any soon (if ever), and it just feels like some weird gulf exists between me and my friends once they become a mom and I’m still same old me. Is that normal? – New York
It is, completely, but please please try to be patient. For one, most new parents are desperate to talk for more than 10 minutes and would if they could. They probably miss you even more than you miss them, but they have less opportunity to do anything about it.
And, it’s a phase. It’s a multiyear phase, but a phase nonetheless, and if you can just resist the urge to give up on them, you’ll find that they’ll eventually start being human again.
Carolyn: My husband and I have been well on our way to getting a divorce for more than a year now. Separated on-and-off, lawyers engaged, etc. But now, we are talking about getting back together. I want it; he wants it. But, we’re concerned about the backlash from friends. Any way to gird ourselves for this? – Washington
If you can handle on-and-off separations, lawyers and plans for divorce, you can handle raised eyebrows from friends. Consider yourselves pre-girded.
Plus, friends probably will be grateful to follow your lead. If you’ve just spent more than a year inviting them to be honest about their dislike for your husband, for example, you can go a long way toward helping yourself by saying you realize you’ve put friends in an awkward position by reconciling and reassuring them that nothing they said will be repeated.
Exception: If there is or was abuse involved, your friends will be rightly concerned. Please at least listen to them.