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Thursday, August 6, 2020  Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883
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On the fast track to ‘Valley of Doom’

Paul Turner The Spokesman-Review

I had asked if homemade signs get drivers to slow down in residential areas.

“I once lived on a street where a parent had prominently placed a large homemade sign by the curb that said ‘SLOW CHILDREN,’ ” wrote Liz Cox.

“While I appreciate the cautionary words, a lot of us in the neighborhood wondered if he was trying to tell us his kids weren’t too bright or they lacked the agility to get out of the way of speeding cars.”

Then there was this from Paul Mackey: “If the person that made the sign owns a shotgun, you might think twice about the old lead-foot thing.”

Of course, that could lead to an exchange of gunfire. That’s usually not a good solution.

But perhaps that scenario could be the basis for a set-in-Spokane, vigilante-themed movie.

Just imagine.

•”Streets of Vengeance.” Tired of watching unthinking speeders roar through his neighborhood, a fed-up homeowner sets up a machine gun on his front porch and takes the law into his own hands. Johnny Depp stars as Bud Guttman, a quiet North Side dad pushed too far.

•”Blood on the Boulevard.” When motorists scoff at her “Think of the Children!” sign near Manito Park, hard-luck single mom Caitlin Katelyn learns how to use the deer rifle she inherited from her father. Jessica Biel heads up an all-star cast, including all the guys in HBO’s “Entourage” as speeders who get their heads blown off.

•”I Said ‘Slow Down.’ ” Morgan Freeman stars as a grandpa with an arsenal. When some redneck in a monster pickup terrifies his little granddaughter, he decides the time for talking is over.

•”Jess Walter’s View to a Roadkill.” Based on an unwritten novel by the Spokane author, this supernatural tale of freelance justice is part “Billy Jack,” part “Coward of the County.” Because of the graphic nature of the violence, no one will be admitted to the theater without a note from a therapist.

•”Valley of Doom.” When a series of accidents involving children being hit by speeders infuriates sleepy Spokane Valley, Wash., mild-mannered Geoff Jordin realizes something has to be done. Clive Owen stars as a Spalding Auto Parts manager who builds his own bazooka and becomes known as “The Human Stop Sign.”

•”Bleed Softly, Sweet Speeder.” Romantic comedy in which a handsome young blockhead falls for a fetching waitress after she lobs a grenade into his SUV to protest his habit of racing down her street. Reunites the cast of HBO’s “Deadwood.”

•”Your Turn to Die.” Tired of seeing neighborhood pets get run over by careless drivers, a group of kids in Mead invent a device that lasers flaming hockey pucks at cars going over the speed limit. Cast of newcomers augmented by KXLY’s Kris Crocker as “Mom” and introducing GU’s Mark Few as a deputy who decides to look the other way.

•”Yule Be Sorry.” Holiday romp about a Spokane elf who laces residential arterials with land mines.

•Today’s Slice question: In all the time you’ve lived here, what one election result nudged you closest to thinking about moving away?

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