Give and give generously; then promote it
We’ve officially stumbled into another joyous Holiday Season of Giving and I’m officially ready to develop a drinking problem.
That’s because I can’t go into a grocery store without some charitable volunteer hitting me up for a food donation or some coin of the realm.
And so I give. Hey, I’m no Scrooge.
But the next stop I make I’m invariably confronted by another random do-gooder who has no idea of my prior magnanimous act.
If I don’t give again I’m sure to get a look that seems to say:
“Thanks for nothing, Clark. I always knew you were a deadbeat.”
True story: I went to my neighborhood supermarket a few nights ago. A sweet young woman stood near the door collecting groceries for the poor. So I bought an extra 10-pound bag of potatoes and a jumbo box of cornflakes and gave it to her on my way out.
Next day I returned to the same store for something I missed. The aforementioned college student had been replaced by a new good Samaritan who gave me that sad puppy look of expectancy.
I wanted to stop and say:
“I gave. Really. I GAVE!”
And that’s when the idea for the Doug Clark Guilt-Free Givers Button began to take shape.
What I’m talking about is a metal button that you can pin on your lapel to let everyone know that you’ve already done your share.
On Monday I contacted a friend who owns a button-making machine. He agreed to manufacture a limited run of cool “I gave. Really. I GAVE!” buttons.
These emblems will be ready for mass distribution by next Monday. And by mass distribution I mean, oh, maybe 50 or so.
So here’s my amazing offer:
You send me $1 (or more) which I will forward to the Second Harvest Food Bank – the official Clark column charity.
I will then mail you a free festive red-and-green “I Gave” button, which will also qualify you as a member of my Guilt-Free Givers Association. (See details below.)
Wear it proudly to tell the world what a generous soul you are.
You don’t have to display your button all the time, of course. Far be it from me to pour sugar into the gas tank of philanthropy. Just pin it on when you are feeling like too many hands are reaching into your pockets.
Don’t get me wrong.
I enjoy supporting worthy causes as much as any underpaid and overtaxed journalist who miraculously avoided the newsroom layoffs. (Thank goodness for those Polaroid orgy photos I have locked away.)
There are just too many charities today.
Back in the old black-and-white television era, when I was kid, there were basically two charities: The Salvation Army and shabby door-to-door salesmen who were always trying to sell my mother combs and other junk she didn’t need.
Invariably she would take pity on these pathetic peddlers and purchase a comb or a bottle of fake vanilla extract.
Nowadays there are more charities than Britney Spears has cooties. There’s the United Way and Goodwill Industries and the Red Cross and The Spokesman-Review Christmas Fund and the Richard Curtis Lingerie Drive …
Only Bill Gates could bankroll all of them.
This time of year I’m a total sucker for those yuletide bell tinklers.
I can’t pass a tinkler without either feeding the bucket or feeling guilty.
When I’m out of coins I always want to stop and try to apologize. But the conversation would probably go something like:
Bell Tinkler: Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle.
Doug: Sorry. I just gave all my change an hour ago to the bell tinkler at another store.
Bell Tinkler: Tinkle?
Doug: Honest. It’s nothing personal.
Bell Tinkler: Tinka-tinka.
Doug: OK. Stop looking at me like that. Take my watch. And here’s a fifty. You want my shirt? Go ahead, take my shirt …
Here’s how to receive an “I Gave. Really. I GAVE!” button while supplies last: Mail a food bank donation in care of Doug Clark, 999 W. Riverside Ave., Spokane, WA 99201.
Be sure to include your name, address and telephone number. Clark, as long as he has those Polaroids, can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.