Carolyn Hax : Time for her to grow up

Carolyn: My daughter “Teri” and son “Mark” have always been close, and included each other in their social lives. A couple of years ago, Teri’s fiance broke their engagement. She was very hurt, of course, but several months later she met her soul mate and is now happily married. About a year ago, she had a falling-out with her best friend.

The problem is that her brother still considers these people his friends. Teri feels that Mark’s continued friendships are a betrayal, and Mark doesn’t think she has the right to decide who he’s friends with.

Is one person right, or is there a way to compromise? The issue of the boyfriend is mostly about hurt feelings. They had been together for several years, and Teri wanted to get married. He went along with it for a while, then admitted he didn’t really want to marry her (after wedding plans and deposits were already involved).

The falling-out came when the best friend made calls to several mutual friends saying she was worried that Teri’s new husband might be abusive. I’m not aware of what caused her to say this, but my daughter assures me it’s not true and I absolutely believe her. – Stuck in the Middle

This problem could go away in three words, except that needing to hear these words is exactly what makes someone unwilling to hear them:

Teri, grow up.

No one would deny the pain of being dumped by your fiance, or the frustration of having to defend your husband and judgment to your best friend.

However, unless the fiance and friend had ulterior motives, their behavior was motivated by their affection for you. Yes, the end results were two broken relationships and no small amount of humiliation, but it all started with their not wanting you to get hurt.

Nobody aspires to be the publicly jilted lover or the rumor-tainted newlywed. But sometimes things just play out that way, and we end up appearing in humiliating roles that we’re desperate to strike from the script.

I could argue, I suppose, that striking them from your life saves you from having to face reminders of difficult things.

But that’s hardly justification for denying Mark’s right to see these friends. Cruelty certainly would be, or malice – by the fiance, by the friend, or by Mark – but I see no signs of those here.

I do see this: When a friend fears you’re abused, and you respond by denying it and banishing her, people like me start thinking she might be right.