Etiquette class teaches youngsters the value of social graces

It’s about more than just writing thank-you notes, knowing which fork to use for the salad or making a good impression at a party.

For Monica Brandner, etiquette is really about how we treat others and ourselves. “Etiquette is based on kindness and respect,” says Brandner, a Spokane image consultant who also offers etiquette classes for youth and adults. “If you want people to be nice to you, you need to be nice to others.”

For children, it’s also the key to building self-esteem and fostering friendships, she adds. “When you have these social skills, you build bridges because people around you feel loved and appreciated,” Brandner says. “That’s very powerful.”

In a culture where everyone seems to be stressed out and in a hurry, civility and common courtesies have fallen by the wayside, according to experts. Road rage, annoying cell-phone conversations that can be heard by an entire room of people, flare-ups over something relatively mundane like a coffee order mistake – these are all examples of how rudeness has seeped into our daily lives.

In a society that continues to tolerate and even promotes boorish behavior, Brandner hopes to make a small difference by teaching children about polite living.

Since she launched her etiquette business about three years ago, Brandner has taught the art of social graces to hundreds of kids in the area.

Last week, she and a group of four children between the ages of 7 and 11 spent about eight hours practicing etiquette at the Davenport Hotel. Over the course of three days, they learned social skills such as how to shake hands and “meet and greet,” how to answer the phone in a polite manner and how to be a gracious host at a birthday party. On the last day, the children also applied the lessons of table etiquette by dining together at the Davenport’s Palm Court restaurant. The fee for the class was $138, which included the meal.

Kathy Achen, who enrolled her daughter, Nichole, in the class, was looking for a fun way for the 7-year-old to learn about etiquette. “I think most people, including our family, are very informal in our day-to-day lives,” says Achen. “We never ‘set’ a dinner table and we don’t go many places that require formal manners. I hope she gains an idea of how one should act in more formal situations.”

Many children are no longer learning etiquette at home, according to Brandner. Parents either don’t have the time or they may not see the value of teaching social skills. These lessons also aren’t offered at most schools, she says.

“If you haven’t been taught social graces, you sometimes just don’t know how to act in public,” says Brandner, who teaches an etiquette class to home-school kids through Spokane Public Schools’ home-school parent partnership program. “Parents can’t pass something on to their kids if they haven’t learned it themselves.”

Unfortunately, some people consider etiquette classes to be uppity and old-fashioned, she says. They think of it as something that can be applied only when drinking tea or sitting at a formal dining table.

“Etiquette is really about respecting others and their property,” she says. “People latch on to the concepts of forks and knives, but it’s so much more than that. It’s about how you treat people and what’s appropriate behavior. … Etiquette is about the rules of society.”

Brandner, 46, has always tried to be gracious and well-mannered, she says, but it wasn’t until later in her life that she became more aware of the need to teach these skills to others.

After being crowned Mrs. Alaska in 1988, Brandner devoted her time to working with young people. A mother of two girls, she became a role model to her own children as well as to other youth in Juneau and throughout Alaska. It was during this time that she realized there was a connection between etiquette and self-esteem, she says.

“We need to teach our children that success is attainable, but not through the images on MTV,” she says. “I’ve always had a passion for children and youth, and I want to teach them to invest in their own identities and see the greatness inside each of them.”

After raising her children, teaching preschool and doing volunteer work, Brandner eventually took a course on how to teach manners to kids through Final Touch Finishing School. Formerly based in Seattle, the Texas company offers workshops on etiquette and behavior for both children and adults. Some of its corporate clients include Microsoft, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Boeing and the U.S. Navy, according to its Web site. Its goal is “to teach girls and boys, women and men, how to move from informal to formal situations with ease.”

Brandner, now a certified instructor through Final Touch, hopes to make a difference in kids’ lives by teaching them about social graces and making a good impression.

“Whether you’re a child, a teenager or an adult, nobody tells us when we flunk social skills,” she says. “All we know is that people all of a sudden don’t want to be around us.”

And that’s where etiquette comes in, she says. “It’s important to instill values into our children and show them how to be kind to others,” she says.