Annie’s Mailbox: Shield daughter from drug users

Dear Annie: I recently discovered that my husband is addicted to painkillers. He buys them illegally from people (he calls them “friends”) on the street.

I have noticed a marked change in his personality since he’s been taking the drugs. I know this is common in drug abusers, but I need to clarify whether his behavior constitutes emotional abuse.

For example, we had a disagreement about his 21-year-old son who lives with us and also uses drugs. When I suggested his son pick up after himself, my husband became irate and very threatening in his demeanor. He said things like, “You better remember who supports you” and “If I’m not good enough for you, then leave.”

I’m a bit afraid of him now because I don’t know when he will explode. Drug rehab is out of the question because he has informed me that I have the problem, not him. I worry about him being arrested or the police coming to the house and sending my 16-year-old daughter to foster care. He absolutely refuses to get help and I absolutely cannot live like this; would you leave him if you were me? – Not Sure

Dear Not Sure: Normally, we would recommend counseling first, and it would still be a good idea to see someone, but you have a 16-year-old daughter who is surely affected by the behavior of her stepfather and stepbrother, and her welfare must come before anything else. Because you believe your husband is becoming erratic and threatening, it would be best to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (800-799-7233) before taking the next step. Also contact Nar-Anon (nar-anon.org) at (800) 477-6291 or Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at (888) 4-AL-ANON (888-425-2666) for family affected by drug addicts. Your entire family needs help.

Dear Annie: I work as a receptionist for my son and daughter-in-law. Each of their other assistants receives a $100 employee birthday check. When my birthday comes around, however, I get nothing.

I believe the employee check is a separate thing. Don’t get me wrong. My son is a wonderful and generous gift giver, but he also has family members who do the same for him and his wife. I am in no way treated better than other employees because I am related. – Employee Mom

Dear Mom: If the practice can afford to give you the same bonus check as everyone else, you should receive one. Whatever personal birthday gift your son gets you is separate. Although you might keep in mind that if he begins giving you a check at work, your birthday gift may be substantially less generous. That, however, would be his choice.