Phosphate ban? What phosphate ban?

I made the score in broad daylight after a drive to Coeur d’Alene.

Money changed hands. The deal was done in minutes.

Then I toted the container of white powder to the trunk of my car, checking over my shoulder every now and then to see if any spies were skulking about.

Oh, yeah. I bought the real stuff, all right.

Cascade dishwasher detergent.

Nearly 10 pounds.

Enough to keep the family plates, utensils and glassware gleaming for months.

I’m sorry it had to come to this.

I never set out to become a border-crossing, soap-smuggling scofflaw.

But on July 1 the Spokane County dish-washing world was turned upside down. This crazy law prohibits merchants from selling any dishwasher detergents that pack a punch.

And by that I mean phosphates, those magic chemical elves behind every clean kitchen.

Gone from the stores are those tried-and-true brands.

Electrasol. Sun Light.

And my personal all-time favorite – Cascade.

Spokane County consumers must now buy so-called “environmentally friendly” products that are tall on price and short on scrubbing.

Unless you head east like I did, that is.

Ah, North Idaho.

A dish-washin’ man is still king in that there land.

Coeur d’Alene is my go-to city.

Gas is cheaper. There are Hudson’s hamburgers.

And nobody interferes with a citizen’s soap-buying rights.

I discovered the inconvenient truth a few weeks earlier while shopping at a Spokane Rosauers store. Dishwasher soap was on my list. So I wandered over to the proper aisle and …

Where’d the Cascade go?

I flagged down this young grocer. He jogged my memory about our phosphate ban, which has been called the “strictest in the nation.” He pointed to some gel crap in a white plastic bottle. He said I’d have to buy that.

What’s happening to this country?

America used to be the land of the free. Now we’re becoming a land full of feebs.

You can’t turn around without some overzealous nanny telling you what to eat or when to water your lawn or that you can’t smoke your cigar within 25 feet of a toddler.

Seattle officials decided that taxing plastic grocery bags will help clean up the planet.

Seattle needs to clean up Seattle.

I was there recently. There are certain sections of downtown where the urine stench will gag a maggot.

I know. The eco-nuts believe that keeping products like Cascade out of the hands of scalawags like me will improve the Spokane River.

Well, I believe in the power of Cascade.

Each time I pour a dollop of that stuff into my washer, the grimiest food-encrusted dishes come out sparkling like diamonds in a Dodson’s display case.

It only stands to reason that my dishwater will run into the river and make the fish clean and shiny, too.

Sure, I’m an environmentalist.

Earlier this summer, for example, I wrote about my long-standing infestation of box elder bugs.

Well, a month has passed since I dosed my yard with the Buggslayer insecticide I ordered off the Internet. And as of Friday I’m excited to report that the area I sprayed is box elder free.

Ditto lady bugs.

And ants.

And chipmunks. And …

Hey, I love nature. But sometimes you just have to show it who’s the boss.