Wife rules son’s home

Dear Annie: My son recently turned 40. We were told that he and his wife were too busy to have any kind of birthday celebration. My husband and I, along with his grandparents and brother’s family, didn’t want the occasion to pass without acknowledgement, so we told his wife we would surprise him. We drove long distances and stayed in a hotel, and we gave him a gift we hoped he would enjoy. You can imagine our surprise when a desk clerk at the hotel asked if we were staying for the “big surprise 40th party.” It turns out that once again my daughter-in-law chose to invite everyone to a celebration except us.

For some reason, we are rarely included in functions where my daughter-in-law’s parents are in attendance. My son and his wife made it clear early on that they wished to keep the families separate. This means we often are excluded. When I told my daughter-in-law how upset I was, she apologized, then justified her actions by saying we had our own party.

I don’t want to cut off contact because there are grandchildren whom I love, but I am having a hard time picking up the phone to “make things right.” My son and I used to be close, but he strongly (and rightfully) believes a good marriage requires you to support your spouse 100 percent.

Should I tell the rest of the family they weren’t invited? Should I kiss and make up? Or do I just let them leave me behind? – Hurt Mother

Dear Hurt: Supporting one’s spouse does not mean agreeing with everything she does, especially if it is hurtful. Unless your son likes this lopsided arrangement, he ought to speak up, and his wife has an obligation to take her husband’s needs and preferences into consideration. Please don’t spread the poison around. Simply call or e-mail your son, without addressing this further, and maintain whatever relationship is possible without expecting too much. It looks like the wife runs the show in that house.

Dear Annie: On behalf of women who lunch together, we would like to know if it is improper to ask for separate checks. Providing separate checks is one of the services that tipping ought to cover. What do you say? – Anne in N.C.

Dear Anne: It is perfectly fine to ask for separate checks, although if there are a great many of you, it is an extra imposition on the wait staff and they should be compensated accordingly. And if you are going to ask for separate checks, do so at the time you give your order so it can be written up that way from the outset.