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Diary of a monumental upset

Norman Chad The Spokesman-Review

Eighteen and one is a pretty good season, no? Of course, when the “one” comes in the last game, well, I guess Mount Rushmore will have to wait until next year for Belichick and Brady to replace Jefferson and Lincoln.

Anyway, despite a low ankle sprain and low-definition TV, I still took notes on Super Bowl 42:

9:17 a.m. PST: It’s a rare day when Couch Slouch wears a New York Giants cap. Today is such a day.

9:21: Actually, at Giants Stadium I love the smell of the turnpike in the morning.

9:38: If I knew the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics were going to be this good at the same time, I would’ve rooted for the South in the Civil War.

10:24: Now, if Tom Brady were wearing a protective boot on his right arm, then there might be hope.

11:11: If you dropped Fox’s pregame show into water, I don’t think it would float.

11:15: Ryan Seacrest interviews Roger Goodell on the red carpet, reminiscent of David Frost’s conversation with Richard Nixon in 1977.

12:50: Jillian Reynolds reports on Super Bowl parties in Arizona, reminiscent of Dan Rather’s dispatches from the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in 1983.

12:58: One of my ex-wives calls to tell me she thinks she left the water running in the bathtub.

1:06: You know, we need another Manning in the Super Bowl like we need another Clinton in the White House.

1:21: Paula Abdul’s “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” looks like “I Can’t Dance Like I Did Yesterday.”

2:53: Fox recites the Declaration of Independence, the document that has led us to “The Moment of Truth” (Wednesdays 9/8c on Fox).

3:14: Jordin Sparks looks nervous before the National Anthem – I’ll bet you Tom Coughlin got into her face.

3:20: She takes 1 minute 53 seconds to sing it; naturally, I had the under.

3:25: The coin toss takes almost as long as the “Star-Spangled Banner.” Welcome to America.

3:44: I prayed this morning that the Giants score a touchdown on their first drive; they get a field goal. Spiritually speaking, that’s pretty good for me.

3:49: Frankly, if they didn’t promote “American Idol,” I wouldn’t even know it’s on.

3:58: I have a dream every Saturday night: I’m watching “COPS” and they’re booking Wes Welker.

4:28: Tom Brady is sacked on back-to-back plays. This is a statistical improbability.

4:29: If I had Tom Brady’s looks, I wouldn’t want to get hit either.

4:41: When Plaxico Burress said the score would be 23-17, I actually thought he was talking about a WNBA game.

5:03: I can’t believe Tom Petty didn’t oversleep his 3:15 p.m. wakeup call.

5:16: Toni, a.k.a. She Could Be The One III, asks me if Troy Aikman is related to Clay Aiken. She’s a work-in-progress.

6:10: The Giants lead, 10-7! (I gave up on prayer and simply tried salesgenie.com.)

6:39: Every time Randy Moss scores a touchdown, I die a little; at this rate, I’d better prepare a will. New England leads, 14-10, with 2:42 left.

6:39:30: Through the winter chill I hear a deep, soulful wailing. It is Don Shula.

6:42: I am reminded of the fact that several of my marriages depended on the spot.

6:50: Eli Manning is nearly sacked and David Tyree makes a Cirque du Soleil catch. It’s Immaculate Reception II.

7:03: The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!

7:05: I guess when Bill Belichick loses, he hates to hear the final gun.

7:08: I don’t want to say Tom Brady subconsciously wanted to lose, but he did promise his girlfriend an engagement ring if the Patriots won.

7:10: The Patriots had applied to trademark “19-0: The Perfect Season.” I hope to patent “18-1: An Imperfect Ending.”

Ask The Slouch

Q. The old adage is that when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. What are supposed to do as a Knicks fan when life hands you Isiah Thomas? (Austin Blum; West Sand Lake, N.Y.)

A. Make NBA draft lottery plans.

Q. If MLB investigators ever queried your neighbors, what would they have to say, besides the number of PBR cans overflowing in the garbage? (Jim O’Brien; Racine, Wis.)

A. Listen, pal, I recycle.

Q. Are you actively looking for a future ex-wife, or are you going to just “take what the defense gives you”? (Robert Kirchhoff; Mayfield Heights, Ohio)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Punter Jeff Feagles used to play with Philadelphia. Now that he’s won a Super Bowl with New York, wouldn’t it be appropriate for him to change his name to Jeff Fgiants? (Bob Anastasio; Lake Ridge, Va.)

A. I guess we should pay him too.

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