After hiatus, Dickie V back in strong voice

A very long time ago – so long ago, I didn’t have cable TV yet and my first marriage was still on the upswing – I was watching a basketball game on videotape from my Betamax VCR when my then-wife stuck her head into the living room and asked:

“Why is that man shouting?”

That man was Dick Vitale.

My then-wife vacated the premises shortly thereafter – largely unrelated to her disagreeable Vitale exposure – and left me home alone to endure his high-decibel histrionics for the next 20 years.

I have watched Dickie V with the help of beer, of wine, of Yoo-hoo. I have watched him while self-medicating. I have watched him from the yoga position. He has followed me through four homes, three marriages and two time zones, and I cannot escape his shrieks and screams.

I lived in one apartment in which the sound of Vitale’s voice would clear the kitchen of cockroaches.

In another one of my neighborhoods, any time Vitale would do an ACC game, all the dogs on the block would bark and bay from the opening tip to the final buzzer.

Vitale’s approach – nonstop shill for the sport, game as merely backdrop to his shtick, trampling over action at breakneck speed – has made him synonymous with college basketball. The more he raved and ranted, the more I railed against him.

Alas, long ago – sometime after the next ex-wife wife had moved along – I conceded I had lost the battle. I realized Vitale’s over-the-top, four-alarm shrill sensationalism likely would accompany college games well after all of us were gone, playing over and over on various ESPNs and in campus arenas on an endless reel.

(Column intermission: Bob Knight quit last week, citing fatigue from throwing chairs, grabbing students, choking players and shoving LSU fans into trash cans.)

Vitale’s remarkable run on ESPN began in December 1979. Then, in December 2007, he thought it might be over. Doctors discovered lesions on his vocal cords. Vitale, 68, had throat surgery and could not speak. Repeat: Vitale could not speak.

Dick Vitale had lost his voice, the modern-day equivalent of Magellan losing his compass.

For the first time in nearly three decades, college basketball went on without its town crier.

Now, I wish Vitale no ill will or bad health, but I admit to enjoying the relative quiet.

Recovering from surgery, Vitale was ordered not to talk for 3 1/2 weeks. This would be like asking Popeye not to eat spinach for 3 1/2 weeks, like asking Madonna not to have sex for 3 1/2 weeks, like asking Narcissus not to be narcissistic for 3 1/2 weeks.

Anyway, he obliged – well, it’s possible he was still talking in his sleep – and Vitale emerged with his old voice.

He was sidelined a bit longer, first with a bladder infection, then because of non-cancerous prostate surgery.

Finally, after a two-month break, Vitale returned to ESPN last week. Some thought the long layoff and vocal-cord woes might temper him.

You be the judge.

Here is Vitale, from two years ago, after J.J. Redick hit his third of three 3-pointers in a 95-second span of the Duke-Boston College ACC tournament title game:

“Ohhh, he’s on fire. Get a timeout. Get a timeout, BC! Call the fire chief!! HE’S BURNING DOWN THE NETS!!! THE DUKIES ARE ON FIRE!!!!!”

Here is Vitale, from last week, as Tyler Hansbrough scored late in the first half of the Duke-North Carolina game:

“Hansbrough’s gotta touch it. That’s where you gotta go, my friends. You’ve got to bring it to the All-American! You’ve gotta bring it to the superstar!! You’ve gotta bring it TO THE P.T.P.-ER – MISTER HANSBRRRROUGH!!! … OH, NORTH CAROLINA-DUKE! CALL YOUR FRIENDS UP!! IT’S SPECIAL, BABY!!! IT’S SPECCCCIAAAALLL!!!!!”

To paraphrase Dan Patrick, you cannot silence Dick Vitale, you can only hope to contain him.

Ask The Slouch

Q. How long will it take Pau Gasol to learn the Lakers’ triangle offense? (Thomas Bell; Pittsburgh)

A. What, suddenly the triangle offense is astrophysical cosmology? It’s a triangle, not a trapezoid. I learned it while watching “Real Sex 6” on HBO.

Q. Will Congress check Roger Clemens for a third eye? If they find one, will Clemens join the World Poker Tour? (Brian Silver; Baltimore)

A. Don’t be ridiculous – if he had a third eye, I’m sure he would have batted over .300 the past several years.

Q. Would you consider the Super Bowl a “good loss” for the Patriots so they can now focus on games next season without the pressure of a winning streak? (Dave Noyes; Sewickley, Pa.)

A. I believe that’s precisely what Bill Belichick told his team in the locker room by video conference right after the Giants loss.

Q. If Bill Belichick invents time travel, will he send a terminator back to try and kill Olivia Manning? (Steve Dettmar; Fairfax, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.