Norman Chad: New York’s monumental disgrace

In the midst of a season-long celebration of storied Yankee Stadium – arguably the most famous sporting venue in America outside of the Playboy Mansion – let me ask this:

If Yankee Stadium is baseball’s holy cathedral, then how come they’re tearing it down?

Would the Roman Catholic Church build a new Sistine Chapel with luxury boxes?

(Oddly enough, I am reminded of Duane Thomas’s seminal line before Super Bowl 6: “If it’s the ultimate [game], then how come they are playing it again next year?”)

Now, I was never a big fan of Yankee Stadium. Yes, the ballpark itself is marvelous, but the Yankees play there and Yankee backers congregate there. And, frankly, the splendor and majesty of Yankee Stadium is somewhat diminished when standing in a Yankee Stadium restroom next to a multi-tasking New York sports fan who insists on using a urinal and a cell phone simultaneously.

(I’ve never bought into the oft-stated notion that the New York sports fan is the most sophisticated in the world. Have you ever listened to New York sports radio? What, suddenly Joe from Saddle River is Gore Vidal Jr.?)

Anyway, The House That Ruth Built is in foreclosure.

Well, it’s not exactly in foreclosure, but the 85-year-old facility doesn’t generate enough millions. Sure, Yankee Stadium is a cash cow, but the new Yankee Stadium will be a cash cattle call. It will open in 2009, next to the old Yankee Stadium in the heart of the Bronx.

Once again, a community that needs better housing, better schools and better hospitals is being given a better stadium, partly subsidized by the community.

(For instance, the parking garages at the new Yankee Stadium are being financed by the public because, you know, the public needs a place to park, preferably at $25 a space.)

Honestly, do we need more stadiums? No.

Do we need more Starbucks? No.

Do we need more “CSIs?” No.

Then how come every morning in America, moments after I wake up, I look out the window and see a new stadium, another Starbucks and a “CSI” being filmed?

(By the way, Steiner Collectibles is charging $120 for framed Yankee Stadium batter’s box dirt. For real. I’ve got some Billy Martin spit in an empty mason jar – what’s that worth, $500?)

If it makes you feel warm and cuddly at all, we’re being told that the new Yankee Stadium will be a lot like the old Yankee Stadium, only costlier.

(Estimated cost: $1.3 billion. But don’t worry – only most of the cost will be passed on to the paying customers.)

Geez. I’m surprised the Steinbrenner boys just didn’t convert Monument Park into condos.

Let’s talk about George Steinbrenner’s progeny for a moment.

They’re just living the American dream, with daddy’s money.

(Hank Steinbrenner is senior vice president of the Yankees. Younger brother Hal is executive vide president. Of course, these are just titles. In reality, Hank and Hal are Abbott and Costello, with Day Runners.)

Tickets at the new Yankee Stadium will be so expensive, the only people who can afford them will be Yankees.

(Speaking of which, Alex Rodriguez is earning $28 million this season, $6.2 million more than the entire opening-day roster of the Florida Marlins. Heck, A-Rod spends more in cab fare to Madonna’s condo than the Marlins do on their bullpen car – and the Yankees are still closer to last place than first place.)

There will be 1,800 premium seats ringing the infield at the new Yankee Stadium that will feature concierge service, with a private elevator and concourse. The price tag: $500 to $2,500 a seat; I assume that includes lawn service and a lap dance.

At the new Yankee Stadium, they no longer will play “Theme from New York, New York” after games. They’ll just play “Money” from Pink Floyd.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Fox’s Joe Buck said he prefers “The Bachelorette” to a midweek baseball game. Shouldn’t he be banished to a Communist nation or something? (Damon Hughes; St. Cloud, Minn.)

A. First of all, Cuba is about the only Communist state still standing and it’s baseball-crazy. Second of all, can you blame a guy who sits next to Tim McCarver for preferring double dates to double switches?

Q. Brett Favre is considering a comeback. Are you surprised? (Richard Brian; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Blaze Starr didn’t retire as a stripper until she was 51. Favre isn’t even 40 yet and nobody’s asking him to take off his clothes.

Q. Have you read your Wikipedia page? (Jason West; Knox, N.Y.)

A. I prefer nonfiction.

Q. I met my first ex-wife at a church function, my second ex-wife at the school where I was teaching and my third wife at a bowling alley, and we have a great marriage. Why do churches and schools get so much respect and bowling alleys don’t? (Joe Kohlmaier; Houston)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.