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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Think of peers as future contacts

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I’ve just begun a new graduate program with a very small class. My classmates like to meet for drinks after or go out during the week. They always ask me to come along, and I always say no. I really like all of them and enjoy their company, but I separate school from my personal life. I have no desire to socialize outside of class.

I am not in the program to make friends. I am there to get an education. I have just moved in with my fiance. I have clothes to wash and meals to prepare. I love my life and thoroughly enjoy spending time with my significant other, cooking together, watching TV, playing games and hanging out with our dog. I also don’t drink much. My father is what I call a “functional alcoholic,” and although he manages quite well, I know that addiction runs in my family.

When asked to accompany my schoolmates, I say, “I probably won’t be able to make it” or “You’ll discover that I’m rather antisocial.” But how else do I tell them to back off? – Antisocial in Alabama

Dear Alabama: You don’t have to tell them anything. If you keep politely turning down their invitations, they will eventually stop expecting you to join them. In an effort to be inclusive, they may continue to ask, but you don’t have to accept. By the way, the contacts you make in such programs can be beneficial for your career, so you might reconsider socializing. That does not have to mean meeting for drinks. Instead, you might invite them to your home for coffee and cake.

Dear Annie: I have been to many funerals and often have no idea who the relatives are when I want to express my condolences after the service.

I don’t want this to happen at my funeral and would like to leave instructions for my son when the time comes. I am from a small family, and my relatives live in other states. However, I do have many friends locally. Would it be improper for the immediate family to wear nametags such as “John Doe (Son)” or “Jane Smith (Niece)”? – San Gabriel Valley Reader

Dear SGV Reader: Please don’t. Nametags would make your funeral look like a business convention. Guests at a funeral are not expected to know everyone in the extended family. If the service is in a church or funeral home, family members usually sit in the front row. It is perfectly proper for attendees to say “I am sorry for your loss” without having to address each mourner by name and rank. Please stop worrying.

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar write for Creators Syndicate. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.