Distance self from kinky son

Dear Annie: My eldest son, “Ben,” is 44 years old and still a huge concern for my husband and me.

Ben recently broke up with his fourth wife after only one year of marriage. His relationship with his three former wives lasted about the same duration. The truth is my son has deep-rooted problems stemming from early childhood. These include exhibitionism, sexual sadism and voyeurism. My husband and I took him to a psychoanalyst when he was only 11 years old in an effort to unravel the causes of his behavior. After two years of intensive therapy, Ben refused to attend any more sessions.

My son comes from a very loving and secure home. He has never wanted for anything in his life. His other siblings show no signs of any unnatural behavior whatsoever. His last wife confided in me that she was sick and tired of his bizarre proclivities. I don’t think I can tolerate any more. Please help. – Sad Mother

Dear Sad: Ben needs professional help, but unless he is willing to admit it, there is nothing you can do for him. If four marriages in as many years hasn’t convinced him something is wrong, we doubt he will listen to anyone’s advice, but it certainly can’t hurt for you to suggest he would be more capable of finding a lasting relationship if he worked on it with the help of a good therapist. You, however, need to separate yourself from Ben’s problems. We know how hard this will be, but he is a grown man and responsible for his own messes. Worrying will only make you miserable and stressed, and accomplish nothing. You cannot fix this. Disengage.

Dear Annie: I am devastated. After 19 years, I thought I had a good marriage, but recently discovered that my husband has been e-mailing Internet dating services and erotic chat rooms.

My husband is serving in Iraq. I don’t know what to do or whom to turn to. He won’t be coming home until the end of the year. Should I confront him now or wait? Oh, by the way, he signed over power of attorney to me before he left, so I could wipe him out financially. I’d hate to do that, but I am a woman scorned. What’s my next move? – Army Wife

Dear Army Wife: Please don’t do anything vindictive. You’ll only hate yourself in the morning. It would be best if you could wait until your husband comes home to have this conversation. It is counterproductive to conduct a bitter argument via e-mail when you are so far away from each other and he is in a dangerous place. In the meantime, we hope you will take advantage of the counseling services offered by the military.