The Slice: Actually, it’s not such a scary thought, after all

There are those who say Spokane isn’t a particularly welcoming place, but I think that’s a bad rap.

In fact, if the monsters featured in the golden age of horror movies were to move here, I think they might fit right in.

In honor of Halloween, let’s imagine.

Frankenstein’s monster could be an ideal neighbor. Except for the occasional mob of villagers with torches, he probably wouldn’t have a lot of visitors. He wouldn’t throw many parties or stage unending yard sales. And it’s a good bet he’d take care of his yard but not overdo it, if you know what I mean.

When he came home from work and said he felt half-dead, you would know he wasn’t just your typical moaner.

“Hey, Frank, wanna come over and have a cooked-out burger with us later?”

“Give me a rain-check. I’m going to be up on the roof, hoping to get hit by lightning.”

His wife, the lovely Bride of Frankenstein, could get a job in Spokane TV news and viewers could keep track of her ever-changing hairstyles.

“This is the Bride of Frankenstein, coming to you live and in HD …”

And if you like quiet, what would you think about having the Mummy for a co-worker?

“Hey, Mumster, what time is that meeting about planning the office Christmas party?”

“Mmmmmmm … 2:30.”

I think the Wolf-Man already lives here. Either that or it’s his twin brother I’m always seeing at this one grocery store.

“Hey, Wolffy. Gonna do Bloomsday this year?”

“Can’t. We’re going to be on the Oregon coast that weekend.”

Dracula would be definite Spokane executive material in these cost-cutting times.

Getting an e-mail from his secretary would send chills down spines: “Bob, do you have a minute to meet with the Count?”

Or maybe he could run for office.

“Hi, this is Count Dracula. My opponent claims that I will suck your blood. That’s true. But I will never admit that a state income tax might make sense. And isn’t that what really matters?”

The Creature from the Black Lagoon might turn out to be one of those bores who never shut up about going to the lake. But unlike some Spokane residents I could name, he probably wouldn’t disappear every time it’s his turn to buy a round of beers. And he probably wouldn’t start working on his car engine at 8 a.m. on a Saturday.

The Phantom of the Opera could teach music in a middle school and volunteer as a church organist.

“That was lovely, Phantom. What piece was that?”

“Bach’s ‘Monster Mash in G.’ ”

•Today’s Slice question: Do members of your spouse’s or significant other’s family call him or her by a different name than the one you use?