Sorry, folks, but on this one I’m a bridge to no answers

Connecting with my readers is such a joy, especially the sweet ones who are under a delusion that I can actually do something about their problems.

Some headaches, I’m sorry to confess, are beyond even the scope of my bluster.

Take the other day. I met with this group of frustrated Spokane Valley neighbors who live on the wrong end of the Barker Road Bridge makeover.

Although there had been prior concerns about this project, moods further soured in early July. That’s when the city closed off a multiblock stretch of Barker for construction.

The residents had been lobbying to keep one lane open.

No soap. Up went the chain link. Up went the barricades. And those living on the north side of the project found themselves marooned like “Gilligan’s Island” castaways, only without a snappy theme song.

Getting to the nearest bus stop once took a short jaunt to the south. Catching a bus now, they claim, takes a journey of a couple miles thanks to the detour.

These neighbors are also uninspired by the apparent lack of activity at the work site.

There are days when not a hard hat can be seen, they say.

And so out of desperation, reader Marlene Humphrey e-mailed me an invitation to meet her Barker Road pals.

“We know the truth is out there somewhere and we all feel confident you can get answers for us,” she wrote.

Alas, Marlene, as much as I loved meeting with you the only thing I know about construction is how to spell it.

See, my lovely wife, Sherry, has given me standing orders to never – ever – touch our home with any tools including hammer, nails and socket wrenches.

She keeps a safety lock on the trigger of my electric chain saw.

The only screwdrivers she’ll let me touch are the ones that come with orange juice and vodka.

I do, however, know a thing or two about the wheels of progress.

And I’ve found that whenever a municipality gets those wheels rolling it’s a sure bet that some innocent citizens will get mushed.

After visiting with Marlene and her neighbors, however, I did stop off for some answers at Spokane Valley City Hall.

(I use the term “City Hall” in the loosest sense. The valley’s stark and drab main office looks more like a place where you’d go to ship a package or to have your cat spayed.)

Eventually, I spoke to a nice PR lady.

She told me that the bridge needed attention because of some serious structural deterioration.

That sounds a lot like what the doctor said at my last physical.

Furthermore, she added, the city can’t leave a lane open because it wouldn’t give the workers enough room.

Not to mention that the cost of hiring flag people is prohibitive.

As for the lack of on-site activity, she told me that crews have been pouring bridge supports off-site.

Whatever that means.

And as for how long this inconvenience will last, she said the city expects the Barker Bridge project to be finished by early 2010.

I’ll believe that when I see it.

Based on what I know about Spokane construction boondoggles, I’m pretty sure completion dates are figured in dog years.

Which means that life for my new friends should return to normal in time for John McCain’s 86th birthday.

Good luck, Marlene. Glad I could help.