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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Carolyn Hax: Stay in contact, limit what you say

Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: I grew up without much contact with my father’s extended family. When I moved near them for law school (about an hour away), I started visiting and kindling new relationships. It felt amazing to have extended family nearby for the first time, and I really opened up to them.

Soon I started hearing different versions of personal information I had told them. Apparently, they engage in almost a competition with my grandmother to see who talks to me more, and, whether purposeful or not, they twist what I say to make it sound more sensational.

How can I deal with them enough to be cordial and familial, but without the extra drama? – Stuck in the Middle

If I take your assessment of this situation and loosen it a half-turn, I get a family that’s excited to know you and doesn’t always get its facts straight. (As if there’s a group that always does.)

Since you seem to want capital-F Family as urgently as they seem to want someone new to talk about, and since you aren’t even sure whether their tendency to embellish is “purposeful or not,” maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing if you loosened your assessment a half-turn, too.

Loosening your expectations while tightening the information flow would be the easiest remedy here.

Not only that – a little caution can serve as a natural barrier to venturing too far out onto this branch of the family. Get to know them better first, and get a better feel for their emotional intent.

While such skepticism may seem anathema to your vision of family, you’re not opening up to a vision. You’re opening up to people you barely know.

Besides, they aren’t your nuclear family – they aren’t the people who shaped you, shared with you, and carry your history in their hearts. This is optional family. Don’t discount their ties to your dad, and thus to you, but don’t romanticize them, either.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.