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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Hubby’s humor similar to bully’s

Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: I’ve just had a conversation with my husband, asking him not to make fun of me when I forget something. His reply was: “Poking fun is the basis of all humor. That’s my sense of humor. Comedians do it all the time.” I said comedians are not in relationships with the people they are making jokes about. He said again that’s his sense of humor, and I should get used to it. What do you think? – Teased Spouse

Comedians poke fun all the time, yes, but so do bullies.

The purpose of comedy is to amuse and enlighten; the purpose of bullying is to gain power through fear. Bullies find your weak spots and press until you fall in line.

Comedians poke fun at themselves as well as others. Bullies pick only on others, and only on people they regard as unlikely to strike back.

So how is your husband usually – amusing, or cruel?

If he’s not typically like this, then it’s possible you take yourself too seriously, and he’s tired of walking on eggshells around you. That doesn’t excuse his “get used to it,” which is always hackle-raising and always inexcusable – but it would certainly earn him another chance to speak honestly.

Give him one by making your hurt feelings clear: “I don’t feel amused by your jokes at my expense, I just feel bad. Is there some reason you want to keep making them?”

People of integrity won’t dismiss a loved one’s pain or defend their right to cause it. They’ll either change their behavior, or express regret for an impasse, or spell out their side of the story in hopes of clearing up misunderstandings.

If, on the other hand, context says you married a bully, and you’re just waking up to it, then please talk to a trained professional about emotional abuse. A call to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-SAFE, can get that process started.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 9 a.m. Pacific time each Friday at www. washingtonpost.com.