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To mend bond, you’ll have to talk

Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend has been texting a male friend of hers for several weeks now. She texts him before we go to sleep, right when she wakes up, and many times during the day. I have told her how uncomfortable it makes me feel, and feel it is inappropriate, especially late at night while we are together in bed. She tells me there is nothing going on, but it feels like emotional infidelity to me. I know for a fact that she has lied to me about who she was texting before, claiming it was a girlfriend, but it was this man.

We have had our share of issues before, for many of which I have taken responsibility, but she can’t seem to accept that I am trying to change, nor does she even seem interested in trying to make our relationship work.

How can I re-establish the bond between us that is obviously broken if she feels such a need to constantly text this other man? Am I being played? – Feeling cheated

Yes.

But she isn’t doing a very good job of it. You know what she’s doing, she’s doing it right in your face, and she knows you’re not fooled.

So please decline to play your half of this lame and tired game. You (apparently) did something wrong that she (apparently) decided wasn’t bad enough to warrant breaking up. Right? But she isn’t over it, either, and shows no effort or progress toward getting over it? And may well be auditioning your replacement while you keep the seat warm?

If so, say so, exactly. “I did X, I was and still am sorry and I’m making changes, and you took me back – but not really. You’re texting this guy right in my face.

“So I think we should call this what it is: Over. I hope I’m wrong.

“But if your heart is really still in our relationship, then please don’t dismiss me with ‘There is nothing going on with this guy.’ ”

If she agrees with you, it’s over, if she dismisses you, it’s over – in other words, you’ll know you’re still on if, and only if, the two of you actually talk.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.
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