You’re still mom; fight your jealousy

Dear Annie: We adopted our daughter when she was just a few weeks old. She is an adult now with children of her own. She recently found her birth family. I have so many conflicted feelings about this.

The birth mom has a Facebook account and lists my daughter along with her other children. She’s my daughter, and yet I have to share her with these strangers. Is there a support group for those of us who have adopted children who now have frequent contact with their birth families? I could really use someone to talk to who has shared the same experience. – Still the Mom

Dear Mom: Your feelings are natural, but you must put aside your jealousies for the sake of your daughter. She is not trying to replace you. You are still her mother. It takes away nothing from your relationship to share her with the woman who made it possible for you to adopt her. Most adoption agencies and organizations have support groups for adoptive parents, and we’re sure this subject has come up. We suggest contacting your state adoption agency or RESOLVE (resolve.org) at 1760 Old Meadow Road, Suite 500, McLean, VA 22102.

Dear Annie: I would love to respond to the letter from “Indiana” about why people don’t attend her gatherings.

For more than 30 years, we have attended events at the home of a friend of my husband’s. Here’s what happens: The host and hostess visit with maybe two people the entire night. They do not ask anyone at any time if they would like anything to eat or drink. I often acted as hostess, making sure everyone had ample food and drink, and that items were kept appropriately warm, cold and replenished.

These gatherings are neither fun nor relaxing. I told my husband he’s more than welcome to go without me. – Nebraska

Dear Nebraska: Those gatherings seem to be a lot of work for a guest. We don’t blame you for bowing out.