Endure burden of mom with love

Hi, Carolyn: Here’s our predicament: Mom spent her childhood being emotionally abused by her father, then her adult life being emotionally abused by her husband (my dad). It would be a miracle if she were not affected by this, and indeed, no miracles going on here. She is negative, snippy, and generally mean to us (more to my wife and teen girls, actually).

Her behavior does not compel us to arrange frequent get-togethers, and she simply refuses to approach us with suggestions of things to do together, so any interactions are completely on our shoulders. When we do get together, she projects subtle and not-so-subtle inferences that we don’t get together enough. We’re wondering how to get out of this death spiral before we get to the point where we just cease making plans to see her altogether. – Mom Blues

Victims are easy to embrace with compassion; perpetrators are (relatively) easy to dispatch through estrangement. It’s the people who are victims and perpetrators both who strain our coping techniques. And don’t most troubled people turn out be both?

The more mindful you are of your mother’s dual status, and the more mindful of it your wife and daughters can be, the easier it will be (again, relatively speaking) to remain engaged in your mother’s life.

But first, that’s the goal you need to establish at home. Gather your wife and kids for a conversation, and explain to them that you don’t see cutting Grandma loose as an option, and the alternative feels like snuggling up to a porcupine. If you haven’t spelled this all out with them already, give the nickel history: Abused child becomes abused wife becomes abusive grandmother. It is not changing and it is damned sad.

The burden of the visits, of course, will remain considerable, but that’s what “damned sad” means – and such burdens are also what the love of good families has always been summoned to lift.