The Slice: Thanks for shedding some light

How fast do you fall when you slip on the ice?

Retired math teacher Dick O’Brien sent me two pages of surprisingly entertaining geometry and calculus addressing that question.

“I can verify that you approach the speed of light just before you hit,” he said.

•The five stages of dealing with snow: I received a bunch of these. For the sake of symmetry, let’s start with five.

“1. Joy. 2. Delight. 3. Tolerance. 4. Aggravation. 5. Hatred.” – Sherry Britz

“1. Exasperation. 2. Motivation. 3. Perspiration. 4. Medication. 5. Supplication.” – Hank Greer

“1. Beautiful ahhhh’s. 2. Frozen shock. 3. Tearful denial. 4. Growing frustration. 5. Going postal.” – Michele Robinson

“1. Denial. 2. Joy. 3. Anger. 4. Depression. 5. Anger.” – Jerry Hilton

“1. Shovel. 2. Shovel. 3. Shovel. 4. Shovel. 5. Shovel.” – Magi Rail

•Eight for the 8th: 1. How many restored Gran Torinos are there around here?

2. Several Slice readers say women are the worst offenders when it comes to talking on the phone while driving.

3. I’m always glad when curbside Christmas tree corpse season is over.

4. You know it’s fine dining when the server asks, “You still workin’ on that?”

5. Lots of Slice readers have praised their S-R carriers.

6. Pamela Stark thinks one possible name for this winter is “All White Already.”

7. Linda Dean’s birthday on Friday can also be expressed as her birth year, 1/9/50.

8. For Holly Bickford, 2009 is going to be “The Year of a Lot of Prayer.” Her son is headed to a war zone.

•And then the phone went out: Heidi and Kristin Olson were back home at the family farm south of Fairfield when they got snowed in recently. They had some time on their hands, so they composed a song. It may be sung to the tune of “Mr. Sandman.”

Mr. Plowman, please bring your plow.

Bring your big V-blade and get us out now.

Our books and board games have lost their appeal.

We’re sick of watching “Deal or No Deal.”

Plowman, we’re so alone.

Ain’t got no contacts not even a phone.

So please turn on your big machine.

Mr. Plowman, keep our road clean!

•Today’s Slice question: Have news reports about our weather prompted calls or e-mails from friends or relatives in other parts of the country?