Dear Annie: I have been married to “Tom,” a successful farmer, for seven years. We both have children from previous marriages, three of whom work here, and my youngest son lives at home.
I quit my job to help on the farm, and now I don’t have a husband anymore, just a boss. Our intimate time and conversation is fairly nonexistent, and there’s no such thing as family time. Holidays, birthdays and our anniversary are not important to him. Tom tells his sons every personal thing I think should be kept between husband and wife. The only thing he wants to discuss is farming. Otherwise, he tells me I talk too much. So now I barely speak to him at all.
My mother and grandparents live on the West Coast. My daughter and grandkids live on the East Coast. My youngest son and I visit them without Tom because he says he cannot leave the farm. I’m not sure why we’re still married. We don’t have children together. If he loves me, he certainly doesn’t show it. If I left him, I’m sure he’d replace me in a heartbeat with a farm worker.
I’m miserable and I’m sure he’s unhappy, too. I’ve suggested we work on our marriage, but he just works more on the farm. I don’t want to give up, but I also don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life. Any suggestions, Annie? – Midwest Farmer’s Wife
Dear Wife: Sometimes marriage to a farmer means you’re married to the farm. Tom thinks this is what you signed up for, but it is not what you expected. In order for your relationship to improve, Tom must be willing to devote more time to his family, and we can’t guarantee it. Tell Tom you are terribly unhappy and that counseling is likely the only way to save your marriage. Even if he won’t go with you, you should still speak to someone who will help you clarify the issues and decide what, if anything, is worth keeping.
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