Spookane horrors on display all year

I can’t believe how popular Halloween is getting.

Seriously. Some people spend even more on fake cobwebs and rubber bats than I drop on Jack Daniels to get me through Christmas.

And just about every church, civic group or radio station sponsors some sort of “haunted house” for public consumption.

Which gave me the idea for …

Friiight Night, a Halloween festival in downtown Spookane.

This could easily be on the same scale as First Night, our traveling New Year’s celebration for the frostbitten masses.

My idea is still in the formative stages, mind you.

But here are a few Friiight Night attractions that could really draw a crowd.

The City Council Chamber of Horrors

Walk into the evil lair of our city leaders – if you DARE!

Who’s that pasty-faced creature with the high forehead grousing into his microphone?

It’s Joe Shoganstein, the surly council president brought to power by an unwitting electorate.

“I’m coming back,” growls the monster. “And I’m bringing hell with meeee …”

Whoa. Check out the foxy witch all gussied up in tight black leather.

That’s no witch. It’s (Mary) Elverner, our mayor.

Watch as she casts a dark spell on obstinate Police Guild members who won’t cop to pay cuts.

“I’ll get you, my pretties,” cackles Elverner. “Hee-heeeeee …”

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, is that really a councilman scrubbing himself in a washtub?

That’s right, kids. It’s time to Bob for Apple.

( Note: It’s OK to shudder. That joke even creeps me out.)

River Park Scare

A coffin rests in the RPS rotunda, circled by burning black candles.

The lid slowly opens.

Crreeeaaakkk!

But wait. There’s no corpse.

This coffin is filled with documents containing all the secret deals behind the public-private RPS parking garage boondoggle.

“This stinks far worse than ever I imagined,” says a stricken visitor. “I gotta get outta here.”

The SPB&D

Next stop: The Public Safety Building to watch police officers demonstrate their truly terrifying expertise in bondage and discipline.

“Today we will show you how to shock, club and hogtie a mentally ill janitor,” explains an SPB&D sergeant. “Of course, you didn’t have to come on Halloween. We do this stuff all year long.”

Don’t miss the shaggy beast who guards the front door.

That’s the new police ombudsman.

Pet him if you’d like. He’s a fangless watchdog.

The Newsroom of Gloom and Doom

I saved the spookiest place in Spookane for last.

Welcome to the fourth floor of The Spokesman-Review.

Ah, it was once such a bustling and busy place.

Now it’s an empty monument to the editorially departed and recently furloughed.

Q. Hey, what’s that nasty stain in the carpet?

A. That’s where Doug Clark met his end after making those cracks about River Park Scare.

So mark your calendar, folks.

Friiight Night is the place to be on Halloween.

This is a family-friendly event, just like the Spokane County Interstate Fair.

So all visiting homicidal maniacs from Eastern State Hospital get in free.

Boo.