The Slice: Spiders no longer welcome at Turners’

The imminent approach of cool weather and certain recent events prompt me to issue the following press release.

SPOKANE — Inland Northwest spiders are being cautioned to avoid Paul Turner’s house this fall.

The modest Spokane home has been declared a “hostile environment” for arachnids.

“I sort of admire spiders,” said Turner. “But I’m not the only one who lives here.”

And a certain faction in the household has made it clear that summary execution is the proper fate for spiders discovered inside the dwelling.

That policy represents an apparent overruling of Turner’s recent “catch and release” amnesty program.

“Anyone can do it,” said Turner. “All you need is a paper cup and a stiff magazine subscription card.”

But this practice of capturing basement spiders and letting them go out by the backyard apple tree failed to win the endorsement of others in the household. Invariably, Turner’s reports of successful spider relocations were greeted with displeased suggestions that “they probably just come right back in.”

Though Turner has characterized arachnids as marvels of nature just minding their own business, his home has nonetheless been declared a kill zone.

“I think part of the problem, and I’m not mentioning any names here, is that a lot of people in Spokane don’t understand that it is highly unlikely that a spider encountered here in our area poses an actual threat to humans,” said Turner.

That argument, however, has resoundingly failed to carry the day at his residence. So any eight-leggers found inside Turner’s house on or after this date shall be summarily smushed.

“I wish it hadn’t come to this,” said Turner. “But my message to Spokane spiders is clear: I’d turn back if I were you.”

Today’s Slice question: Who is Spokane’s loudest snorer?