Richard Nixon was president when I started shaving.
But I never tried growing a beard, until now.
There are a couple of reasons I waited this long. For one thing, I never really admired that look. But perhaps more importantly, I suspected the results would be ridiculously sparse and scraggly.
I was right.
Nonetheless, out of curiosity, I am committed to my experiment. At least until Halloween.
But never having done this before, I have questions. Perhaps you can help. (I’ll send coveted reporter’s notebooks to the readers offering the best advice.)
1. Are those hideous trapped-food crumbs inevitable?
2. Will people eventually start to wonder if I am a Civil War general or polygamist?
3. I have zero interest in doing a lot of primping, trimming and bonsai-shaving. So what happens if you just leave everything but the moustache lip-line untended?
4. Does a beard say “I live in the Northwest” or does it say “I am starved for attention”?
5. Will a high percentage of gray whiskers reveal the fact that I am not 22?
6. What’s the best way to wash your face when you have one of these things — soap, shampoo or shaving cream?
7. Does stroking your chin whiskers make one look contemplative or simian?
8. Does a scruffy beard actually help keep your face warm when it’s 5 degrees out?
9. Will this create problems if a cop has occasion to study my pre-beard driver’s license photo?
10. Would it be a better idea to just get a Chia Pet?
11. Which stereotype about those sporting facial hair is most prevalent?
12. If I don’t shave it off, should I request a new mug shot?
Today’s Slice question: What is Spokane’s real-world economic indicator?