One can try to be less demanding

Dear Carolyn: I guess I could be considered a neat freak about personal hygiene: I brush two minutes three times a day, floss daily, shower often twice daily.

Hubby will say, “Well, I showered last night, so I don’t need to shower today.” But I can smell him. And it turns me off.

I’ve tried nicely telling him he might need another shower (on a 90 degree day), outright telling him I can smell him, asking him to just humor me and take a shower, etc. He digs in his (smelly) heels.

I realize I’ve married someone with different hygiene standards than mine, and that I can’t tell anyone what to do with his own body. But, staying six feet away instead of cuddling a clean, fresh man just makes me sad. – Armpitville, Va.

And while it’s natural to expect more of loved ones – you expect hugs, gifts, loyalty from spouses, but obviously not from strangers, right? – there are also times to demand less of them than we do others.

The line, I believe, falls between the voluntary and involuntary. With the behavior they can control, like being kind or staying faithful or just taking out the trash, we expect our loved ones to do their best around us. With the stuff they can’t control – getting laid off, getting sick, getting old – they need us to do our best, and be extra forgiving with them.

And this is where I think he’s digging in, saying: No. This is who I am. You’re rejecting who I am.

Maybe your feelings aren’t strong enough to overpower the smell anymore; maybe the smell is strong enough to overpower your feelings. Either way, sensory responses are difficult, if not impossible, to change.

However, the brain is a powerful instrument, too. If you’re still in this marriage emotionally (huge “if”), then rally your brain for the cause: Consciously replace “Why won’t he just shower!!!!!” with “He is human, and I love him.” Willfully dispose yourself more kindly to him.

He, in return, just might grow more kindly disposed to soap.