The Slice: Spokesbaby has all the answers

With baby stroller season now in full swing, Spokane’s infants have selected a spokesbaby.

And The Slice interviewed this kid.

You won’t believe his answers.

Q: What should strangers know about approaching a child in a stroller?

A: Look but don’t touch. I’m sure you have good intentions and all. But I don’t know where your hands have been. And babies aren’t produce. Please just assume we’re fresh.

Q: What else?

A: Restrain your dog. Nothing gets my diaper in a bunch like having some semi-wolf root around in my personal space like he’s trying to dig up turnips.

Q: What do you say to other babies you encounter while out taking the air?

A: We usually complain about the quality of sidewalks in Spokane. Some of those up-thrust fault lines could give a kid a concussion. Of course, a lot of neighborhoods around here don’t even have sidewalks. And as you might imagine, we infants have concerns about being wheeled around in the street.

Q: Is it possible to enjoy a bottle while in a stroller?

A: It depends. Some kids can down eight ounces without batting a lash. Then, after a satisfying burp, they’re good to go. Others get motion sickness and, well, say no more.

Q: Older siblings walking along beside the stroller — pro or con?

A: Again, it depends. Sometimes it’s helpful to have them around to fetch a bear that jumped out of the stroller when things got a tad pungent under the blanky, so to speak. But a lot of preschoolers today are whiners. And that can get on your nerves. When did parents forget how to say, “I’ll give you something to cry about”?

Q: Ever get tired of strangers telling you how cute you are?

A: Well, really, what else are they going to say?

Today’s Slice question: If you were to design a baby stroller model called “The Spokane,” what would be its special features?