Beware feeling envious of others

Hi, Carolyn: My younger sister and I are close, though we weren’t always. Recently she started dating a man that she will likely marry. Because of his position and family’s connections, she is getting to enjoy exciting, fun events that few people get to participate in. I am beginning to feel the little twinges of jealousy, not because I don’t want her doing these things, but because I would love to be enjoying these things with her.

I don’t want to be this jealous person! Is there any magic to fighting off the green-eyed monster? – Sniveling sib

Given your honesty, I wish I had some magic. But what I’m proposing is anti-magic: logical thinking.

Longing for something that someone else has involves an unconscious bit of truth-doctoring. You witness something desirable, you imagine it as part of your life, and decide, yes, things would be better that way. We’re cafeteria thinkers: You’re imagining you and your life, plus her perks.

But with reality, we can’t pick and choose. To have what your sister has now, you’d need to be your sister. It’s not just about her guy and her fabu parties; you’d need to have her everything. Good and bad.

Chances are, in weighing someone you envy as a whole package deal, you’re going to hit something you don’t want – or, just something of yours you wouldn’t want to give up.

If, upon reflection, the reasoning behind your choices is still sound, then own it – that’s your Envy-B-Gone.

And if the reasoning seems faulty now – if you can go through every item in another’s life and still think “Yup, rather have that” – then it’s time for a ruthless inventory of your options and attitudes, with an eye to judicious change. Even “exciting, fun events” will be hollow if your foundation is hollow, too.