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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Chad: A sports TV truism: Barflies curb the ‘Dog’

Norman Chad

These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:

1. Have I ever mentioned that ex-jocks in the booth are sort of the athlete’s foot of broadcasting?

2. If replay is going to involve coaches’ challenges, somehow Regis Philbin should be part of the deal.

3. I was in a bar the other night and the barflies voted, 4-3, to put hockey on the TV instead of “Dog the Bounty Hunter.”

4. Sports talkers these days have mastered a specious skill: Raising their voices without saying a thing.

5. If the eTrade baby replaced Tony Siragusa in the Fox end zone, I can’t say there’d be a big drop-off in deep thought.

6. The Jewish Channel has “Rabbis Roundtable.” It’s pretty much “Around the Horn” with guilt.

7. ESPN’s “30 on 30” series is a critical success (and deservedly so), but each time I graze upon any HBO Sports documentary, it reminds me those folks still set the gold standard.

8. By installing a flat screen in my shower, I never miss “SportsCenter” anymore.

(Column Intermission I: Earlier this autumn, serial author John Feinstein blurted an obscenity when involved in a fender bender while on an ESPN 980 radio show in Washington, D.C. This marks the third different decade in which Feinstein has uttered a profanity on live airwaves, which, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, is a U.S. record.)

9. New drinking game: Every time ESPN’s Rob Stone says “hambone” during a Pro Bowlers Tour telecast, I swig a PBR and crush the can.

10. It is inexplicable that some suit at Fox signed off on its new NFL in-game score box where the viewer must decipher team logos to figure out who’s playing.

11. Seemingly effortlessly, Turner’s Ernie Johnson is an eminently likable broadcaster.

12. On CBS’ “The NFL Today,” Norman Esiason often prefaces statements by saying “I’ll tell you…” or “I’ll tell you what…” or “I’ll tell you something…” And then he tells you nothing.

13. Every time I see James L. Brooks’ classic 1987 movie “Broadcast News” – and I might be approaching 50 viewings – it appears better, smarter and funnier than before.

14. If NBC’s NFL insider Peter King were an air traffic controller, a lot of planes would miss a lot of runways.

15. Sometimes I hit the mute button when I’m watching the World Series of Poker on ESPN, but my therapist says that’s a form of self-mutilation.

16. Fox’s Darryl Johnston never takes a play off. I wish he would.

(Column Intermission II: Here’s my bigger problem with John Feinstein’s foul-language wont: In pre-cell days, he would pull off the highway to make his never-ending radio appearances from pay phones. Now, with the new technology, he’s endangering the lives of more than just his radio listeners by driving and talk-radioing at the same time.)

17. “Victory” is a better name for a sports cable network than “Versus.” Heck, In Vitro is a better name than Versus.

18. Would it kill Curt Gowdy to rise from the grave and do “The American Sportsman” one more time?

19. Conan O’Brien was very upset when NBC wanted to push his show back a half-hour to accommodate Jay Leno, but he had no problem when TBS pushed George Lopez back an hour for his new show. Just sayin’.

20. After an incident at my second wedding, we banned clappers from my third wedding.

21. ESPN’s Jon Gruden likes the term “hidden yardage,” which, I assume, is yardage you cannot see. So if you can’t see it, how do officials mark it?

22. Three things I’ll never understand: Euclidean geometry, Keynesian economics and Hubie Brown.

23. When I get on a plane, I got to tell you, if I see people who are in Jets garb and I think, you know, they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Jets fans, I get worried. I get nervous.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Two of my Pittsburgh Steelers friends have no problem rooting for Ben Roethlisberger despite his “disregard” for women. How do they justify this? (Jon Ellison; Cleveland)

A. They must follow the sentiment I once heard on “The Sopranos:” “Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

Q. With two messy breakups in one year and now on his third team this season, is it time to start calling Randy Moss the “Norman Chad of wide receivers”? (Jim Hickey; Andover, Mass.)

A. Speaking of which, if that slouch is a pro football Hall of Famer, then this Slouch is a marital Pro Bowler.

Q. Anonymous sources have reported that the Kentucky men’s basketball program still has a senior on the team. Who has jurisdiction to investigate this allegation, the NBA or the NCAA? (Steve Wills; Carmel, Ind.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!